Last Will and Testament

Basically this without all that namby pamby protective gear

I wanted to put pen to paper before having to start my weekend. There is quite a large possibility that I will not survive the night. Dr. Toilet is having his birthday sleepover tonight. There will be an additional 4-5 3rd graders in my home this evening. The King of Commodes is pumped. Plans have been made and discussed for weeks now. He conned me into making party favors for all of the guests. Over the past week I have been busy creating 8 wooden swords. Say what you will about it being a terrible idea or that I will have to explain broken bones to parents. He conned me. No silly puppy dog eyes or pleases. No, he is good. He said and I quote, "most of the kids coming over don't have dad's as awesome as you that will make them awesome swords like you make for me." Flattery will get you everywhere. Plus, he called me dad. That has been an ongoing saga. I am Padre and have been for some time. I have been told that I can't be dad because I am not his real dad. I hope he never realizes the power he has over me by calling me dad. It would be the ruin of my house in the most Shakespearean of senses. 

I miss my youth. 

The plan is pizza, cookie cake, ice cream, and a movie. This will be followed by staying up all night in his room. I hope to beat everyone home and hide the baby monitor in there so as to be able to relay the hilarity to you the reader. Swords will be doled out in the morning along with doughnuts. Can I please just say, best birthday ever? Sadly I will have to get up with the sun to go pick up son number 1 from a friend’s house. (There is a child swap in effect as we are trading a 5th grader for a 3rd for the night) He has a soccer game at 8 AM. I will leave the supermodel at home with baby stay puft and the party/gang/hoard. 

The younger brother of one of my
players. At least he plays as well. 

As an aside I may have recruited a younger brother of a player to help us this weekend. We may get the ball to the other team’s side of the field. I hope to take 2 shots on goal and limit them to fewer than 5 goals. Attainable goals people. I am also in charge of snacks for the game on Saturday and I WILL bring enough for the coach. 

At some point, having returned from soccer, I will disband the warring hoard and send them (with their swords) home. I will then load my sons into the car and possibly stay puft and take them to the football game where I work. The supermodel will have a chance to rest and I get to show off my ab-fab kids who will be without sleep and coming off of a sugar buzz. They should be a delight. 

I digress. I would like to leave the supermodel and my children to Stuben the Bearded as I trust him to take care of my family and I never really liked him much. I would like to leave June-Bug the hound to the wilds of Mississippi as disdain is the only thing she ever really had for humanity. All earthly possessions will have been destroyed by tomorrow morning so dividing up the bits shouldn't be too hard for the Fire Marshall to sort out.