Out of order

i owe you, my dear readers, a post describing the most wonderful office party ever.

This is not that post. I blog today from a booth at a locally owned coffee shop. I am so hip. Why am I here all alone on Christmas Eve? Am I working on my book of depressing verse? The great American novel? Nope. I am chaperoning a date.

Wilson is exchanging gifts with his lady friend. He already looks like a lanky little Labrador. He is all arms and legs. Make him incredibly nervous and sit him next to a girl. He may have been visibly shaking on the way here. They are cute and are chatting one another up out of ear shot.

The car ride however was awkward for even me. He made a statement suggesting snow for Christmas.  She replied that she would not like that due to the cold and the amount of work? Strike one for her just FYI. He then reverses course and agrees with whatever she says. I trained him well and he listened to the pep talk.

My mother and father tell the story of driving me to pick up a girl for a dance in their minivan. As I opened the door, the top half came unhinged and hit the poor girl, whoever she was. On a scale of that to really great, this is pretty great.

We have other plans and I need to give him the high sign. What kind of wingman would I be if I broke up his game? He may never, in his words, get his swagger back. I can wait.

My life has come to this. Explaining which coffee drink to buy to sound like he knows things and watching him flirt from afar. It is a macchiato by the way. Sounds cool but also has enough  sugar as to be drunk by a boy of nearly 13 years.

Seriously, the hand gesturing Wilson?! He is his mothers son. Once when explaining string theory, she simultaneously signaled a runner on base to steal second at Wrigley Field and had a C130 full of Navy Seals land at JFK.

Okay off to wrap this up.

Patient Zero and the ensuing chaos

It is possible. I repeat possible that the baby dino got everyone sick at the party. MiMi, 2Pop, My sister, a cousin's son, and last but not least great grandfather dino all came down with something eerily similar.

In other news, I have taken the day off to spend with the supermodel. This means that I am blogging from her office obviously. A quick meeting she had to come into. Also, the last twelve hours have been exciting. I shall photo essay?

Started with a beautiful dinner with my family.

Enjoyed a Christmas Classic with the boys after the little two went down

 

Helped the Supermodel wrap some presents

 See that sounds wonderful right? This is where things went oddly and fast. We went downstairs to work on the Christmas present that I am building for the NieceTwins. This involved sanding and painting. At some point. Totally my fault.....I spilled a gallon of paint on the floor and my Supermodel.

Not as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit body paint as you might have imagined

 So, we cleaned that up and went to bed. At some point I was called in to have a spend the night party with The Shadow but when I woke up...

The bed didn't have this much blood but it was close. Apparently The Shadow had a nose bleed.

Not sure what caused the nose bleed but I am bothered by it and still am scared I elbowed her in the nose. Look I bring my A game to sleeping. If she tried to post up in my spot, in my unconcious state, I may have caught her with a bow. This has two effects. 1. I am scared to death to spend the night in her bed again and I may be banished by the Supermodel. 2. I have more laundry to do.

This light does not mean The Genie from Aladdin is in your future

Next up was car trouble in paradise. Apparently the Supermodels car had several lights come on as she left for work. The culprit? Lack of oil. Now, don't blame her. We knew that was part of the deal with her car. It loses oil. I lose my keys and it loses oil. To combat this she gets oil changes more often or tops it off. It drank extra this month. Upswing, that may be the noise she has been hearing and not faint voices of Ghosts of Christmas Future.

Since then we have Christmas shopped and had a romantic lunch at Taco Bell. Don't judge. Everyone eats there. We just did it sober. Feel free to stick around, who knows what will come of this afternoon. I mean heck, we still have to paint.

A plague upon my house

Saturday was the made up holiday that my father's side of the family celebrates. It was initially set up to make it more convenient for my ailing grandmother and to cut down on the stress of trying to see everyone at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas. So, the 15 of December every year we get together and celebrate both holidays. It really has been smart and a ton of fun even if it does feel a bit like festivus.

"I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it!"

The last few years, it has been held at the YMCA in Montgomery. This is the Y that I learned to swim at. I have a very poor memory and what I do have is snapshots of the most odd things. I can tell you the exact layout of that pool and the diving board I jumped off of for the first time ever and my father, P daddy, treading water waiting to catch me. Who were my friends growing up? No idea. Blueprint for the pool? Yep.

He did however keep backing up and making me try to swim to him
Unattainable goals start in the pool. 

I digress, the Y. So we rent a room full of inflatables that has a kitchen and bathrooms. It is the perfect set up. There is a giant slide, a bouncy house and a huge obstacle course type of thing. The Shadow was overwhelmed and scared and shy... for the first 5 minutes. At some point her P-daddy took off his shoes and went to the top of the slide with her and slid with her. After that is was on. For the next three hours she never stopped moving. Well she stopped when Santa got there. This is her first Santa experience. She did great. Not great for blog fodder but adorable in person.

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Lil Dino fell ill Sunday with cholera/dysentery. At one point while tending to the little two by myself he ended up in the tub where I felt like he could contaminate the least things. There were things coming out in places I didn't know they could. It was bad.

Seriously? Bathe in the morning and evening? Who has time for that?
Clean the house everyday?
Avoid Drunkenness?
Quite Frankly, I am surprised we haven't had Cholera more often.

I got the same thing yesterday. I feel bad for Lil Dino.

Christmas Pageant Live Blog.

9:45 this church was slam full 30 minutes ago. Never underestimate the promptness of grandparents. MiMi and 2Pop just arrived but the Supermodel can't be bothered to be early. Her adoring fans at work couldn't be without her.

9:58 just got a text, she may make it in time for the introduction by Miss Alabama. Who has the pull to get her to come to a preschool event??

9:59 here we go. We have a farm apparently. Old MacDonald themed. Video of lil Dino and friends due to the fact they don't perform like trained monkeys. Nice video though. Lots of oos and ahhs. Everybody loves a fat sleepy baby.

10:07. First set of monkeys. I would cry too buddy. Lots of jingle bells and not performing on command. They aren't even 2. Can you force kids to perform at this age? What is minimum wage for a two year old jingle bell player? The Shadow's group is next. This is stinking cute but she will bust up this party.

10:11 We are up. Hold your breath. OMG!! Santa hat and fat cheeks! Here we go. She has he own teacher/handler. This group is way more professional. She is silent and staring at the crowd at center stage. Cutting her eyes. The whole group is silent. She was on point. Okay all done that. Still steady watching us though.

10:16 now the rest of the older less diva-y kids. Stay Puft was is the Tina Turner of her class. Wow these other older classes. You start the song and off they go singing. They each have their own pace and meter for the song. The chorus is banging. The verses are tough.

10:21 Snowmen are exiting and now we have reindeer. The cutest part is the kids in various walkers and wheelchairs that are decorated as sleighs etc. Kids who can't speak using their Steven Hawking see n say's. Stinking cute. Hard to be cynical.

10:28 We are back to a chorus. This feels like Christmas Irish drinking songs. These kids are swaying and belting it out. Hand them a stein.

10:55 Ms. Alabama came and gave an inspirational speech. Not sure what that was about and no one else was either. People from ACIPCO handing the CEO a check from the employees. That is a really great company.

11:00 And we are done. That was quick and painless. No grammy threats here but all in all I feel more Christmas-y

In need of bottles please help

My 80 something year old grandmother asked for a bottle tree for Christmas two years ago and so, I made her one last year. I got it done in within a calendar year stop judging. She then realized that she doesn't drink and has no way of collecting beautiful bottles to put on it.

Therefore I beg of you, for my grandmother, we need bottles that are not green or clear. Between my wino wife and my whisky proclivity, she has green and clear covered. Any blue or red or any other color bottles would be greatly appreciated. I will be in the Gump Saturday so this means you, super fun catholic cousins and aunts! Two of a kind I am looking at you. The rest of you as well. I promise I won't judge your consumption of Bombay Sapphire. If your bottles aren't quite empty, I can help with that too.

Send word and I will help finish them up and come pick them up.

We have a problem

Apparently the holiday baking has created a rift in my relationship. I went to make myself breakfast while waiting to take The Shadow to her Christmas pageant and when I went to the fridge there was a bit of a scare when I noticed the egg and butter shortage. I swear she bought 12 pounds of butter and 3 dozen eggs last week. This is not an exaggeration. I scrounged up enough to fry the most beautiful pair of over easy eggs the world has ever seen. They were a work of art. The rest of you can quit trying. I reached ovum perfection.  Sad part was due to all the baking, The Shadow had to make due with just sausage and OJ. Big Cat doesn't share breakfast.

Back to the rift. Apprently the Supermodels treats were a big hit with all the fortunate people who got some. I will say however that there has been a wedge forced between us. There have been pledges of love and appreciation and one marriage proposal. I found her second and put a ring on it fair and square. I won't say who (it rhymes with a Eeeee-va from Wal-E) but they offered their hand in marriage and promised an accomidating and open marriage. How am I supposed to compete with that I ask you?! She is my smoking hot, culinarily gifted, and butter hoarding bride. You can't have her! If you return your tins  however I might share her again next year.

Holidays are in full swing

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Ours was a delight with just enough family time. I was however tempted to stop eating long enough to shop on Brown Thursday. My families rally point in Walmart was the avocados. Why? Because who is shopping for exotic fruits on Thanksgiving? I will say that the people watching was excellent and me and baby dino stood in line for something to go on sale that my aunt and mother wanted. Successfully no less.

Hopefully the Dino will be big enough the hold his own next year.

Also, football. The Shadow is of age now and is learning about our tradition of watching football and considering it a major part of our identity in this state. First week of school in Alabama and the boys were asked their loyalties. Anyway, The Shadow has made her opinion known. During each of the games she would squeal with delight then clap and scream, "Yea Football!" I fully support her love of both teams. Future diplomat in some country that has delicious snacks.

I sit here with a burden off my shoulders. My final grades are turned in and I sit waiting for the groveling and donuts to start flowing into my office. Problem is that most of them flock home to momma bird after the exams. Result is that I get groveling without donuts.

Please Sir. But I am an "A" student

Other holiday excitement? House is decorated all 1950's fabulous. Baking is wrapping up now. Wife bakes inordinate amounts of the most delicious treats and promptly puts them into tins and gives them away. To those of you reading who got said treats, let me know how they turned out. They looked and smelled delicious on the way out the door. The first of them left when we hosted a party for my freshman course. There were approximately 300 people in our living room. If you have seen it you know that we were nervous about the floor joists. You could hear them crying.

how you should picture my super talented super hot wife baking

How my super talented super hot wife actually bakes

Gift season is also arriving. I will now state my concerns. I am not complaining. We have a large family who all love to give gifts at this time of year. It is a way to say thank you for all you have done and as a remembrance of the birth of Jesus. That is a really sweet gesture. There are pitfalls however.

Wilson and AbFab go back to MS to their father's house and his family for a portion of the holiday. You ask them to sit down and make a list and you get back 10-15 items. Perfect. Enough for everyone to get the boys one thing. Good job boys. You then look at the list. 2-3 real wishes and 13 items including but not limited to: pop tarts, replacement lead for mechanical pencil, breath spray, a surprise, a second surprise. This is a great sign. The boys have all they need and are getting to the cash/gift card age that makes gift giving no fun. So socks and underwear for those guys.

It could always be worse/ waaaay better

The little two are a blast to shop for however The Shadow is still confused about what all the fuss is about. Santa is no where on her radar. The snacks she is okay with. I caught her coveting her mothers Dunkin Bread this morning. Dunkin you ask? This is our way of saying pumpkin. It is adorable and I may suggest this adoption happen for all of humanity. She has a holiday pageant? program? tomorrow. I will try to live blog that event for all of you playing at home. Get excited.

My semester is wrapped up mostly. I will spend the next 14 days shopping and making gifts while listening to porky pig holiday music. How does a person craft a Doc McStuffin Exam table/ Grocery store? My secret goal is to find people to play hooky with me and go get long lunches and enjoy time with adults next week.

If you don't call me to do lunch and sit around and smoke cigars,
she is my fabulous back up plan

Happy Holidays