The Supermodel Does Yoga

I should write a short story about the things I hear from The Supermodel about her yoga class that she and the Ging go to. The heavy breathing teacher, the positions that can only be made up, and today a wardrobe malfunction...

I hear a lot about the heavy breathing

Don't get your hopes up.

I was looking for Nelly "getting' hot in here'" lyrics but found this
Please let Netflix have it on watch instantly

The text I got was "I ripped a pair of jeans putting them on after yoga." Now, my wife doesn't buy pants in aspirational sizes, meaning she wasn't lying down and puffing and wheezing trying to squeeze into some much smaller pre-teens pants. She was  putting on freshly laundered pants and apparently felt like bustin' loose. She blames it on how flexible she is and how unyielding the denim was.

Now just imagine Cool James if they were freshly washed!

Luckily she had a second pair for reasons I don't completely understand. She apparently is really enjoying yoga in general to the point that if I or any member of my family causes her to be late to or miss her class we suffer severe repercussions. I have heard through unnamed sources that her coworkers and boss suffer the same fate if they try to schedule meetings during the same time.

What does all this mean? It means she wants to step it up. Rhymes with Eva invited her to do hot yoga at the Christmas Party. I was hoping that it was limited to women who are as attractive as my wife and there was a viewing gallery. That doesn't sound lecherous. Alas it is yoga in a room that is 1000 degrees. Yeah, she will love that *shaking me head.  But, at least shorts are harder to rip.

I prefer to think of it as I am a ____ and my wife is a _____

Big Dino vs. Big Cat

So this past weekend AARP and Mr. Fabulous wanted some alone time with the Supermodel and I. After attending my first 3 year old birthday party in the morning (wow) we dropped off lil dino and The Shadow at P-Daddy and MiMi's house.

More or less but with no hats or suits and way more
parents standing around wishing there was an open bar at these things

Now, the boys had been discussing for a week what to do with our afternoon. Ice skating was brought up but vetoed as the last time we went AARP clocked his head on the ice and well I am a bit accident prone as well (foreshadowing). Bowling was out and so roller skating was decided upon. I like roller skating and remember going to Looney's, our local skating arena(?), as a child.

AARP last ice skating trip but with a slightly less flamboyant costume. Slightly

We paid our money and put on skates. I will say that AARP got roller blades by accident. He went to the counter and told them his size and then spaced out. They handed him roller blades and he sat down confused. To his credit, he went with it and learned how. This is the same kid who refers to zoning out as being a space zebra. Recently he said a song reminded him of a neon unicorn or maybe horse. For the life of me I can't remember the song. I promise he isn't on the drugs.

a majestic creature. i just wish i could remember the song

Get excited readers, the winter dance is coming.
Date number 2, this time with slow dancing

I digress. We all get laced up and skate. I love my family. For the life of me I don't know how The Supermodel can be so smoking hot all the time even when skating? What the what?! It is not even fair. I often refer to my level of coordination as being similar to a giraffe on roller skates. This was manifested only I am bipedal. Two less points of contact with the earth only makes it worse. Can any of you playing at home guess what happened next?

Thank you google image search for never letting me down.
Also, do you see his sad eyes. He knows what is coming.

Thats right, about an hour in I ate it. Hard. Yard Sale... glasses went one way, the top half of me went the other, and the bottom half I am not real sure of. To my credit I braces myself with my arms and prevented cracking my skull on the unnaturally slippery floor. Some sweet boy went and got my glasses for me. Now, I am freakishly tall like a giraffe so the fall was from a significant height. Terminal Velocity or the top speed a human can fall at is 120 miles per hour. From the altitude I live at, I am pretty sure I was close to falling that quickly.

do you know what all this math adds up to?
Sure you do, I am a clumsy and bloody idiot and not in the British sense

The results of falling from that height onto ones elbow are a torn shirt and an incision. I liken it to my elbow being a grape and The Shadow with her sizable feet, stomping on it to watch it pop. It was deep and on the outside of my elbow. There is also a bruise on my knee but the cut was the subject of much discussion afterwards. The Ging got in touch with her beau the future doctor doctor. Stitches were ruled out because of the location and because I am male. The Y chromosome leads to things like Y would I need stitches and Y wouldn't a overly clumsy man get on roller skates.

The last time I went to the doctor not unconscious
or driven by The Supermodel and dropped off under strict orders

Long story longer, I am now splinted up so I can't bend my right, read: dominant, arm and am learning to live much like Big Dino. He is 93 and I am a broken giraffe. We look very similar when trying to put on shoes. Also, brushing your teeth left handed not easy. Also, soup. Good news is that Nurse Ratched/Kathy Bates from Misery is my wife. I am afraid of her when she gets like this.

You WILL stay in bed and let me take care of you!
I love you!

Hats and Plans Hatched

Last week I was volunteered to take my 93 year old grandfather, Big Dino(namesake of lil dino), to some doctors appointments. I adore the man. I was excited to get to spend the day with him. There are some issues that arise when you are 93 that don't arise when you are 33. Bending over to put on shoes and socks is one. The button on your pants is another. The T rex arms don't help. He has figured out systems for dealing with these and is still quite independent for his age. I hope to be that together when I am half his age.

Old Man still rocks a hat HARD. 

The appointments went well and we spent a chunk of the day with my uncle eating fried chicken and talking plumbing, gardening, and westerns on TV. That is the good life just so you know.  As we left my uncles we passed the casino. Now, my grandfather doesn't smoke, only likes a cold beer with a hot dog every once and a while, and in my eyes does no wrong. I asked him if we should blow off the doctor and go gambling instead. He asked if I like to gamble. I don't. He said he didn't either but then with what can only be described as a shimmer in his eye he said.... "But I do like to throw them dice"

My roots. Still with the hats too. I am totally going to wear one tomorrow.

What the what!? I now have a serious plan in my head. I will at some point blow off my life for a day, break him out of his nursing home, go and shop for matching suits and go throw them dice! I am picturing rain man. I may have to go re-watch it. This is totally a thing.

We just gotta be home by Wapner

If you hear about a resident going missing from a nursing home in Montgomery, whatever you do, don't check the casino.

Tales from the Road

I have gotten to a point in my life where I can work with my father. We are out on the road doing food safety training together. I have become my father. We look the same, act the same and both have an odd appetite for Chinese food at any given time.


I could write this all out but google has curated all these images of our time together so I may as well use them.

Its not that I mind getting up early for reasons other than the progeny
it is just early early to get picked up by 2Pop

Road Trip! In the dark

Get there early so Surprise Breakfast

All day seminar/course on food handling for a bunch of women who could school me
Also I love making these women laugh.

If anyone asks what heaven looks like, this is it if you have progeny.
These things even have cable television!

Get the worst Chinese food I have ever had.
I felt sick walking in the door and smelling it.
It tasted worse.
I still ate a lot and the Hot and Sour soup is always safe

2Pops fortune was blank. We decided that maybe I should drive. 

 Today has been a repeat of the same. We are having fun and I am very appreciative of the time I get to spend with him. Not everyone gets chances like this. Also, all these women know him and love him. I get it but sheesh. I have decided to sit in the back and pick on him and he does the same.

Together!

Next up I lecture for a bit and get picked on. Then? I am translating for a woman who speaks Spanish while they take their standardized test. In case any of you are unaware, just because I married a Hispanic Supermodel that doesn't mean I automatically learn her native tongue. I mean I know some words... should be interesting.

Wrapping up the holidays (finally)

Kids make Christmas better. That is all there is to it. So Christmas was fun. A lot of fun. Busy like the rest of you but fun.

Prior to the day of, The Supermodel and I attended her work Christmas Party at a local brewery/ pizza place. I made sure to set up in the middle of the table so as to spur on interesting conversation if it got a bit slow. I was between the fire performer and rhymes with Eva. Rhymes with Eva and I could get in a lot of trouble together and I relish the day it happens. We all ate and laughed and had a good time. It included boss man ditching his family to go to a second brewery with us. For clarification, the fire performer is in fact a super fun girl who plays with fire literally.

Just have fire shooting out of your choice of misfit toys
and a lot more craft beer
and delicious pork themed pizza.

The lead up to Christmas was family and food then the holidays.

Kids make New Years worse. That is all there is to it. We haven't gone out and celebrated with a black tie or night out maybe ever. Also all of the kids are in bed by 8. Do you really think The Supermodel is going to stay up another 4 hours? More importantly, I won't. So you wake up the next day and make coffee. After coffee you tell one another happy new year. I see facebook pictures of families staying up. I just don't get new years.

I like that this doesn't even mention New Year's Eve.
I could use on an as needed basis