Manchester United We Are Not

At least the supermodel comes to
games to keep morale up

Our soccer team has our second game Saturday  For those of you keeping up, I am only the coach because the team was so big it needed to be divided. Well Saturday the two headed monster fights itself. We scrimmage one another every Thursday night and I came home last night, not hopeful that we would win a game, ever but rather that maybe we might make a shot on goal. Not actually score but just get the ball close enough to try. My best players(the ones from Latin American countries) have been poached to play on a team at a higher age group. My goalie is too "southern" (big) to be able to move around in front of the goal and don't dare ask him to run or jump. Another player, while playing, walked over to me and told me, "Some of the kids at my school see soccer as something you just do in your extra time." I pointed out to him that while this was true, he was supposed to be our left fullback at that exact moment and that someone had just scored on the left side because he was explaining his thoughts on extra-curricular events to me and our keeper was on the right side of the goal and couldn't be bothered to scoot over.

The boys continue to have fun. That is the goal but at some point I would like to see the ball on the other end of the field. Maybe I just line them all up in front of the goal to keep the ball from going in and tie all our games.

Athletic Prowess

Team Bus!

first few tests of the boys extra-cirriculars have now passed. This is the first time since taking ownership of the boys that they have been able to do sports. I am the official team bus driver and our team bus is the new hotness.


Mr. Fabulous has been in training for weeks now to be the next world famous male gymnast. Who is the current world famous male gymnast you ask? Who knows. All I know is that Mr. Fabulous agreed to some activity and we are going to pursue it. He is best suited to Rugby, Lacrosse, or other pugalistic events but insisted that he not have to play a team sport. Lets just assume this is out of modesty and not wanting to make everyone else look bad. 

other than the smoking this could totally be grown up
Mr. Fabulous. 

Now I have no idea how anything works at a gymnastics gym. I sit and read for an hour once a week while he goes from apparatus to apparatus learning the basics. He had his first evaluation last wednesday however and was unusually tempered in his expectations. He told me afterwards that he got high fives after every thing he did other than headstands. I am proud of him for trying and making an effort. 

Soccer has been going well enough because well we haven't had to play any games. That began last Friday. Now, we play in a league that is for "recreation" and I take this to mean that everyone gets about equal playing time and gets to play the position they want. No parents get mad and the kids go home exhausted and everyone is happy. I was apparently very very wrong. Friday we were to play a team from a rival neighborhood which is one rung higher on the Birmingham Neighborhood Snottiness Index (BNSI for those playing at home). I show up on Bear Bryant (rest his alcoholic soul), which is to say at least 15 minutes early. I was in fact nearly 30 minutes early for a rec league game. This might as well in my mind been a week early.

Their team warming up

I roll up on the field and there is the other team. I am going to try and not exaggerate. Their matching bags were all lined up, their uniforms were gleaming and I believe all had been starched and pressed. The coach had a matching outfit. They were doing organized team drills without prompting from their coach that had been rehearsed. There are Broadway shows that are less rehearsed than these guys bag placement and warm ups. This was impressive. Plus all of this kit was black, a very impressive color.  I will give it to them. That was half of the show after intermission I look to the opposite sideline and each of the Hitler Youth's parents are lined up with such precision it would take a German to appreciate.

Me: Will Ferrell 2Pop: Ditka coaching up the team.
Note to self - Rewatch Kicking and Screaming

A glance at my bench and you would see two boys in different uniforms facing the wrong way. Not a good sign. This was a sign of things to come. My team did well (once they trickled into the field. the last player got to the game at half time). Played defense well and kept the score to 3-0 until the last 3 minutes. I was proud of them. The parents even eventually sat on the right side of the field.

Now I know you are wondering about the last three minutes. My team was tired. Some of them still don't know which way to face on the field or which goal is ours when we are playing. The game was over at 5-0. Everyone had fun and no one was too upset. Plus there were granola bars and PowerAde for everyone at the end. I wish at the end of awful days at work there was another professors mother outside with a cooler full of cocktails and appetizers telling all of us as we came out of the building, "Good Game."

fashionista

Not Impressed

Yeah so I am wearing a stained shirt today. It has been stained for a while and I never remember in the morning. I remember after at least one lecture. Nobody has ever said anything  but now I just want to take it off, throw it away and wear my undershirt to teach my next lecture because if I don't do it while I am thinking about it I will take it home and wear it again. I am a doofus.

Movie Night

So the supermodel and I realized we shared a gap in our movie knowledge as neither of us had ever seen Road House before last night. Now the supermodel fell apart first when she saw the Ferrari pull up and a girl get out in black pumps in the opening credits. To my dear wife's credit, she has learned to appreciate and love Italian super-cars as much as I have learned to appreciate couture heels. Granted her first love is the heels but then any Lambo SuperLigera.

Her second moment of bliss happened when we got far enough into the movie to realize that this was the exact same thing as Dirty Dancing. Plot devices that are important are accompanied by the appropriate music so as to let you know to pay attention. It really is the best type of movie. Now the supermodels obsession with dirty dancing is genetic and her maternal grandmother who is the most prim and proper woman ever must watch it whenever it comes on TV. (I ADORE the duchess as she will henceforth be known) I do believe she might even postpone a bridge game for it. I doubt it but it is possible.

The only major differences in this movie is that the bad guy is creepy as H and not a lawyer from law and order and a young (dreamy) Sam Elliot shows up with a silver mane. To quote another great movie of the era (They Live), He was there "to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum." He really was the highlight of the movie for me. I think it is mostly because I covet his ability to grow luxuriant facial hair.

We had to stay up late to make it happen (9:30) but we watched an entire movie after the kids were in bed and laughed and really had a great night. It was long overdue for us to have a night at home just spending time together and nothing brings you together like a naked Patrick Swazye butt and liberal rating system from the 1980's. Seriously this movie was sponsored by actors on coke and nudity, lots of it. Well done 1980's. That is what the concert from a week ago seemed to be missing from its 80's repitoire, topless girls, foul language and a G rating. 

We are totally hip

Makes you a better person after kids are asleep

so, our friends (the stuncaphers), the chef and the girl who loves puppies, came into town to see a rock show last night (we will get back to the rock part). We LOVE these guys. She smuggled mini-bottles of champagne and raspberries into the theater with the supermodel when they went to the movies and when I went with her she was the mule for a full large sized pizza. She is the person to see movies with obvs. He is a chef. What else do you want me to say about him? He is amazing and showed up with a handle of Dr. Muffin Tops magic elixir and a bottle of Prosecco. Well I think it was a bottle of Prosecco it was gone too fast to really know for sure.

Previous to them darkening our door we had a day. There was a Biology Honor Society picnic at 5 that chubby cheeks and I went to while the supermodel got Wilson and Mr. fabulous ready for grand-pal's night at their school (At which dr. toliet told them that his mom and dad were going to a bar to smoke cigarettes and drink beer later). 2Pop and Mimi (totally BiggieSmalls but she doesn't appreciate her nom de plume) came to get them and whisk them away. When I got home it was clean and pull down the murphy bed to prepare. I was tired and had a big glass of milk to help prepare me for a nap that I had no time for. Then all within 15 minutes or so, the grand-pals and progeny returned, progeny was all put to bed, the grand-pals left, the Stuncaphers arrived, and then the sitter of children. I didn't know which way was up. The Prosecco was popped and downed while toasting our lives of great pleasure.

We piled into the Volvo at which time the puppy lover announced an epiphany. "that baby sitter thinks we are old." We laughed while she and the supermodel discussed her flawless skin and youth. I think the jump from newlywed and in love and hip in a hip town like Oxford, MS to a suburban house full of kids that require sitting was a bit of shift. Hilarious to watch the wheels turn.

Show was at the bottle tree. The supermodel bought us food there to hopefully perk us up and it did and we had one of the finest beers ever judged in competition. I mean it did win a blue ribbon. What have you ever won? Oh me? I won a medal at my half-marathon. Yes, they did give them to everyone but mine is special.

Must watch Goonies

I digress. The show was fun. Not bands I would pick out to go see but I was happy to be drug out to see them.  The venue is eclectic and has all of the best bits from thrift stores from the region. The crowd was young and very hip. Just ask them, they are totally hip and have heard of bands that don't even exist yet. You get the idea. Totally fun though. I especially like the girl who showed up in roller skates and had three known wardrobe  changes throughout the night. Not just shoes and hats but different dresses, shoes, hats the works. Each more Cindy Lauper than the last. Speaking of which, the first band Nicky and the Dove was pretty much a younger more Swedish version of her with some blinky rave lights in her hands and vague belly dancing thrown in. Yes, that is what I mean and yes it was a bit odd. The music was catchy though.

Twin Shadows is who the Stuncaphers had come to see and I really was surprised by how much I didn't hate it. The supermodel has the hipster doofus taste in music (Read as: Hot Chip, Grizzly Bear, Panda Bear(who I think is just the beach boys) etc.). She dug it. I admit is was fun and it def had 1980's shiek, new wave, talking heads with U2 guitar effects. I don't know how to describe it. Go listen to it for yourself. At one point in the show he compared the Bottle Tree to the aunts house where they didn't care if you smoked pot. He then asked if anyone had any parents who were cool like that. A few hands. He then asked if anyone was a parent. My hand and maybe one or two others who made poor decisions in high school. We were booed. Mr. Shadows then chastised the boo-ers.  That endeared him to me slightly. This did not help the we are old theme playing in the back of my head. I am hip and all those trust-fund hipsters can... go do bad things to themselves. As puppy lover said at one point, I have a job and heath insurance and a retirement plan so you guys can suck it.

Is the blonde a guy in drag? Falacia?

Show ended around midnight. The supermodel and I ended around 11:30. We found a spot in the back to crash and look through old show posters and a 1960's design coffee table book. We crashed hard but it was delightful and a perfect end to the night. Snuggled up in public being judged by kids born in the 90's wearing clothes from the 80's and listening to music with Heavy influences from the 80's. I wanted to tell them it wasn't that great the first time but they all want to be in the Bengals. What can you do?

We got home, paid off the sitter, and chatted and ate dark chocolate M&M's. The only regret of the night was the lack of late night greasy Mediterranean food (the purp). This was skipped due to their departure time of 4:00 so as to get to work today. Real Jobs for the win!

Boogity Boogity Boogity

Black bars for privacy but I am the one in the mom jeans
and muffin top head

Ahh race day. Up before the sun (The supermodel loves this as you can imagine) To go meet at the Dub Dub’s to pack into our tour van for our Sunday tour of ‘Dega. We were at the track by 7 am with no real hiccups and were all dressed and prepped for our half marathon. My literal days of training were about to be put to the test. Let me paint the picture for you. An empty NASCAR super speedway with grey overcast sky and 600 of my closest friends milling about in the garage row. To say that it is larger than it seems on TV is silly and trite but there I said it. HUGE I tell you but, we will get back to that. The usual pre-race jitters, lines for porta-potties, and milling about took place. A team photo was taken and we lined up to race.

     To be honest, I wasn’t terribly worried about this. I mean who can’t go run/walk for two or three hours? Most of you reading this could finish the distance. I knew I would finish. The question was time. My respectable time would have been to finish by say Tuesday and anything short of that would be acceptable. The others in my team as you can guess by the photo were a bit more ambitious. So I get my muffintops squoze in about halfway through the pack and take off after the race gun had been fired. I am guessing this is true. I never heard the gunshot which really is telling. I should never move to a war-torn country as I would be shot a lot.

     The race began with a half lap of the track then moving to the apron of the track. This is the portion outside of the crash fence bordering the track. So half on the track half on the apron we have done a lap. This gets us 3 miles. What the what!? This is a big eff’ing track. Luckly at Mile One the light of the lord shone down upon the track and placed a group called the Hash House Harriers at the water stop. I knew little of these people but they had replaced the water in the water cups with beer. One shot of beer down and I felt ready to go.

Thank you google image search

     My orthopedic shoes did their job beautifully and I didn’t even need sugar socks. (Although they are quite in mode and were everywhere) No shin splints to speak of on race day or even now. (I wish my knees were so lucky) I hoofed it around the course, touring the campsites around the stadium where in a few weeks the plumage of the NASCAR fans will be out in glorious color showing support for their drivers and hoping to procure mates of similar phenotype. We turned and ran back down the streets of natty to the tunnel leading to the grandstands. We then toured both the grandstands on the main straight of the track and then the back straight of this magnificent tri-oval. I jest mostly. I knew before the race standing in the inspection bay just how incredible it was to be granted this kind of access. I mean for God’s sake Mr. The King once stood here.

Jokes aside, pretty cool being where this guy once was

After touring the seating for the proletariat we re-entered the infield by way of a tunnel. This is around mile 9. I was feeling great. A tour of the infield where commenced where i witnessed the first person being put in an ambulance. Okay maybe everyone can't do this. Maybe I am one of those people. At mile 10/10.5 we return to the track to finish out the race. 1 lap. This is where the wheels came off. 

My siren

I won't lie. I was beat. Dr. Mr. passed me and gave me the appropriate man greeting during sporting events in which you need to step it up. That is to say he slapped me on my very sweaty ass as he ran by as a way of encouraging me not to be the next person in the Health and Safety Van. The only think keeping me going was knowing that I would pass the Hash House people again and get beer. This happened at mile eleven. I grabbed a beer on the way into the station and one on the way out just after being handed a chocolate moon pie. Now I know what you are thinking. "two shots of natty light and a moon pie aren't race appropriate." Guys I am an eater. Come by it honest. My dad is an eater. His dad and his dad before that. It was the most delicious moon pie ever.

Switch the toilet for a trash can on pit row
and the Clown for... well the clown is pretty close

I soon died. The mile between there and number 12 nearly killed me and 12 to 13 only happened because i knew the end was close and people would see me crying and cursing my hungry hippo nature. Needless to say the last 2 miles were not pretty. But, I did finish. 

I soon there after became nauseated and collapsed. I tried to eat some delicious looking bar-b-que but instead went outside to explore what was at the bottom of a trash can while evacuating the contents of my stomach. I never saw the moon pie come back up although I may have seen my shoes. 

It has taken me a few days to recuperate and I look back on this event fondly and would gladly do another. My teammates were awesome and we all had a great time. I hate that I was so dehydrated and sick afterwards but oh well. Also, this being my second one of these I can say I have a new personal best of 2:28 and shaved 30 minutes off my last time. I am speed!

Schmancy Nights Out!

I'm totally not racist! 

     Big weekend around the house. Friday was a dinner with the people from church and what will become our Sunday school class. Should have been brilliant. Met some nice people and then were cornered by the craziest guy I have met in quite some time. Scientist who wants more focus on research and money for it at UAB. Works on AIDs. All seems like our people. Then he berates us about every right wing talking point he can think of from freedom of speech with no bounds to why Ole Miss  should still sing Dixie and fly the Confederate Battle Flag at football games. Needless to say, “we had to get home because we told the babysitter we would be home early.” I really don’t want to relive it. The Russian supermodel kept it together for the most part and didn't hit him and only swore once. I on the other hand was very bothered by the whole thing and can feel myself getting all fired up again so I will drop it.

     Saturday was a lazy around the house day with Mr. Fabulous, the Stay Puft baby, and Son number 1 (who needs a better title).  We had a dinner scheduled with my running team at a fabulous restaurant in our little city which we had only heard wonderful things about. My half-marathon was on Sunday morning so 2Pop and Biggie kept the progeny for the night. On the way to drop them off Mr. Fabulous swore we missed the turn. His mother assured him that we didn’t. He insisted that we had and asked where Magellan was taking him. Fearing mutiny from the backseat and having no time for walking the plank, I told him Florida. The supermodel relayed our plans to leave them there to fend for themselves.

   Son number one immediately slipped into Cast Away mode. He told his brother “Yeah! It’ll be awesome! We will have beards and be out in the ocean and see a fish and be all ‘let’s catch this rascal!’ it’ll be so much fun!” (He speaks only in run-on sentences.) The supermodel lost her mind laughing. A deep, good for the soul, belly laugh. She pictured them being there 30 minutes, draping Spanish moss on their faces and chanting. I picture lord of the flies. Mr. Fabulous and Wilson (New name for Son 1). Best of Friends and in rare form. We opened the door booted them out and left a baby on the doorstep of a very nice couple who we hoped were my parental units and were out! A first night at home without any children for quite some time and an Ab Fab dinner!? Stop it and what would you expect this to cost you? Your soul? No just a 13 mile run. So simple.

Made it home. Danced the happy dance and prepped ourselves for a delicious meal at Gian Marco’s in Homewood AL. Highlights included delicious stuff fig app, whatever that sauce was that the clam app was cooked in(my guess bathsalts, heroine, and tears of virgins), my dinner was amazing. I don’t know what everyone else thought but I had a fantastic evening and realized that having friends like dub dub family and the Falacia/Dr. Mr. Other guy family make me very lucky. We always have fun with them and if it weren’t for them the supermodel and I wouldn’t have any grown up friends in town we can hang out with.  A friend of the supermodel and I keeps a blog (http://www.hawkeyegirl.blogspot.com/) and shows off her kid-free, care-free wining and dining all around town and I hate her for how much fun she goes out and has but Saturday night made it better.  So we ate, drank, and were merry. All our single friends should be totally jealous or not.. http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com/ There ended the easy part of the weekend. We went to bed early and set our alarms for an obscene time… to be continued.