Infrequent Posts

I have been called out for the infrequency and erratic schedule surrounding my posting. To this I say, come watch the kids and keep them quiet and I will write. No wait, no I won't. I will go and hide.

So, I may or may not have forgotten the SuperModels Birthday.... This comes as a surprise to few of you as she and I have yet to remember our anniversary in all the (fill in the blank) years that we have been married.

I would like to thank each and everyone of you for wishing her a happy birthday before me. That really helped my situation. Honestly, I got up, dealt with as many of our progeny as I could and ran out to drop off StayPuft at her school. I then go teach for two hours to pay for said schooling. By the time I got home.... Okay you know the "hell hath no fury" thing? Totally true.

The last person who forgot her birthday regretted it

I fell off my pedestal that I keep putting myself on hoping she agrees. Not only did I fall off said pedestal. I then began digging a hole. We are famous for saying in our house, "The only way to dig a hole is deeper." So, I asked her what was wrong when I got home from teaching. No good.

Tears. The word disappointed came up. What else did she use against me you ask? Her ex husband told her happy birthday before me. So, yeah. There was that.

"Saddam must have forgotten her birthday"

I talked to her coworker, the ginger, who suggested I rally and make it work.

Constraints in the plan? I have childcare responsibility for 'the boys' this day. JackJack has a fever that won't go away and the older two want to sleep the day away. Also, we have out of town guests coming for the exorcism baptism and they will be here at 8PM. SuperModel has to work all day and is busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony as they are short handed. Also, I obviously have no gift as she wants for nothing and never has suggestions and also again, I forgot.

So, no late night dinner and movie date. No whisking her away to romantic lunch date. No extravagant gifts as that money has gone to the wee one's school.

My plan you ask? Use her children against her. Use every weakness I can think of against her to get back to even. Once I am even then I can try to climb back on my pedestal.

I scoop up the children, drive all over creation and purchase everything that she can't refuse. Here is the list.
1. A balloon. No birthday can pass without a balloon according to the SuperModel
2. Flowers. Her favorite is tulips which obviously aren't in season. So in a stroke of brilliance, I let her sons pick them out. Even if they choose poorly, she can't complain.
3. White chocolate. Why is this better than dark chocolate? It is mostly just milk fat. If there is one thing the SuperModel needs in her life, it is milk fat of any variety. Evidence includes the 7 lb. of butter in our reserves.
4. McDonalds Cheeseburger. This is her kryptonite.

Artists Version of My Life

We show up, her boys looking like the three somewhat wise men and me the donkey carrying them. How can you not melt seeing us show up like that? She didn't but, she conceded that I was back to ground level and the day could be saved.

I am feeling pretty good about my chances and start working my magic. The Ginger offered to do anything she could to help including babysitting. The Fool. Who volunteers for all of my kids?!

I have just finished teaching a graduate course and one of the students is the Mater D at fancy schmancy French Restaurant. I call at 1 and ask for the earliest sitting I could get. It sounded desperate and a bit like I was taking my grandparents to dinner hoping to get the early bird special.

My student the Mater D might not appreciate that this is what I think when I hear MaterD now

Like clockwork, Ginger shows up to herd my minions for two hours, wife gets gussied up for a surprise dinner date and I start to climb back up my pedestal.

Dinner was delicious and French and I was reminded that my wife is gorgeous, brilliant and fun to go to dinner with.

We finish before it is dark outside so that we can run home, take over minion duty and prepare for arrival of the Girl with the small voice. We then sat down and drank wine and laughed till the wee hours. Ending the evening laughing with the Ginger and the Girl with the Small Voice was the perfect ending to a birthday that turned out just fine if you climb up on my pedestal to ask me.

Summer Mix Now Streaming

What do Arthur the Aardvark, Ibrahim Ferrer and Scandinavian Disco have in common? They are all part of the BigCat 2K14 mixtape.

This year rather than begging you the reader to share and swap mix tapes (which you never do), I have created this mix on SoundCloud.

WARNING: This is a bit more urban and waaaay less kid friendly. I will say that StayPuft is now screaming DumDeeDum Song! DumDeeDum Song! Everytime we get into the car. So, obviously some of these are okay.

So, come for the dum dee dum and stay for the EDM remix of AfroCuban Jazz!

Camp etc mostly etc

Summer Camp was last week. I thought surely I would have written about it. Guess not. Exhaustion set in and I gave up. In brief? It was good. I think we did a good thing hosting a science camp for minority high school students. They got a lot out of it and I hope it propels them into careers in science.

Okay enough with the touchy feely nonsense. I am in the trenches with two classes right now. This baby isn't going to pay for his own daycare...yet. I am working on a way around the child labor laws that some hippy in the 1800 set up.

I bet his parents appreciated the extra income in spite of his new smoking habit

The supermodel and I want to just sit in a public place with StayPuft and RexARoni (still working on his pseudo) and put out a hat. You throw money in the hat and can do what my grandfather does, stare into their souls and suck the youth from them to increase your own longevity. Alternatively, you could put money in just because you think they are cute but who isn't trying to avoid shaking off that mortal coil?

Here is the other option. Not a great option. Who is that guy creepin' over in that red tent?
Fountain of Youth? No thank you. I will steal Baby Youth.

I have started and deleted several paragraphs about the minutia of every day life. Boys in MS, Baby is rolling over and smiling and playing on his mothers affection manipulating us. StayPuft is precocious and quick. I think her 40 yard dash time could get her a position with the Arizona Cardinals. Worlds fastest defensive line(wo)man. I digress. Let us look forward.

Here ye! Here ye!
Hey ya'll we gon' dunk us a baby!

Its time for the wee one to be baptized. I enjoy this rite and am excited as I think there will be a crowd. Mimi and 2pop should be there. My sister and her tribe will be there as well. I have been told to include them more in my musings...

She lives in Egypt. Okay not really but I have to pack an extra camel to get to where she lives now. Great now I can't write anymore with out naming her... she shall hence for be known as... Sister? no no I have it! Hammy. So hammy and her husband, TheCoach, live about 30 minutes from us if you get all green lights, bring a snack and the camel doesn't break down. They have two adorable daughters, "I'm not a brat. I'm Bossy" and Spiderman. They are twins but if you see her, pretend you didn't know that and ask if they are twins. She loves that.

Hi! I'm his sister. Nice to meet you. Oh look something shiny

I love my nieces and their parents are okay too. We will come back to them at some point but back to the guest list.

My brood,
MiMi and 2Pop,
Hammy, TheCoach and her brood,
Next comes my baby cousin and her husband who we will refer to as.... TwoOfAKindWorkinOnAFullHouse. I adore them and have recently been getting closer to her. She is Godmother to my children and represents the Catholic Church. Pope Snope. I will take her and her husband over any pope! Anyway the Church should be happy to have them!

Plus he was too busy with his selfies (aside, he is awesome!)

Next? So, Jedi and the Girl with the Small Voice are coming as well. Mr. Jedi (as AARP and Fabulous call him) is Godfather to my children. He will be representing the small rural black baptist church. The Girl with the Small Voice also known as Face of an Angel/Mouth of a Sailor was planning a visit and it just worked out. To round out the group we have the Ginger Coworker of the Supermodel. Those three give us a blonde, a red head and a lithe well dressed little black man who the supermodel continues to tell me is still an option for her if I get out of line. Gotta love the way the current wife jokes.

I am sure I have left people out who the Supermodel has reached out to but I am inviting anyone that has access to the internets that reads this as well. I think there will be lunch after? A suggestion, get in line in front of StayPuft and stick around for the After After Party.

Life of a Manny

Let's get in our way back machine and go to two days ago. It was Tuesday. My rough schedule is this. I have the hours of 6AM-9AM kid free. AARP and Awesome are still asleep and the SuperModel handles number 4 and StayPuft. I get up and go to the office early and work feverishly on an upcoming project. Which, incidentally, will make for delightful blog posts. I am running a Science Camp/College prep camp for minority high school students. It is residential and 3 days. Trust me, things of note will happen.

So, I am sitting and working as quickly as I can in my very quiet building until 9. I know that at 9 a gentleman from technology services is coming to steal my computer and give me a new one. So, at 8:30, I scramble to get my machine ready. At the same time he arrives, the SuperModel drops off number 4. I am also meeting with the other director of this camp who has all of these computer based tasks for me. These are beginning to build up as my computer is taking a while to transfer data. I think this is due to number 4's crying and general neediness.

When this is done, say 10, I begin to work again but new computer means all new versions of office. I do not adapt quickly and fall behind.

At 10:45, a friend calls to let me know that her, her husband, and their two boys are going to eat alfresco at a neighborhood Mediterranean deli. I pack up number 4, head home to round up numbers 1 and 2 and get to said deli. Number 1 has an amazing crust-ache growing in by the way. I may need to borrow someones cat to lick it off. It was delightful. One thousand hundred million degrees but super fun to see people with children in public and surviving. It gives me hope and bolsters me for the rest of the day.

Basically AARP is starting to look like a swagalicious version of Frida

We get home, deadlines approach, and by 3 I am covered in regurgitated formula, rocking number 4's chair with my foot and finishing what I can for the camp. I give up. It is time for something a bit more relaxing. I load up again and  head to Costco with a three month old who hates me. He refuses to sleep for me and even now is just sort of mindlessly complaining in the background. It is the soundtrack to my life.  Also, he is losing all of his hair and just has a wisp of a comb over which is frighteningly similar to Hitler's style decision.

As he loses his hair number four has a whisky version of this.

I will say that he did not ask for samples, wander off, or purchase bulk quantities of things that no human requires. He was a perfect shopping partner. In and out in 20 minutes. In the checkout line, a very sweet woman tells me how cute he is and how brave I am to come, as a father, to Costco with an infant by myself. I literally laughed out loud and then explained that the other 2/3's of the family were at home and he was the best possible shopping partner. I then offered to let the sweet woman borrow him for a few hours/days. She declined. I then tried to return him due to his being defective and leaking from both ends and whining sounds coming from his mouth. No go there either. I love him so I will keep him. If he hadn't learned to smile in the last few weeks though it would be a harder decision.

Where was I? Oh yes, Costco. I get home. Make 1 and 2 help unload the people carrier. I am now sorting and putting away large containers of food and enough milk and half and half to stock any normal grocery store. I put down baby long enough to zip-lock and freeze meat. Then wash hands make a bottle and feed it to the ingrate. It is now time for StayPuft and SuperModel to be unleashed on The Home. From there it was a blur. I do know that she laid hands upon number 4 and he was instantly happy and asleep. I now hate her for this and wander off to feed boys and send them to hide in the basement to play video games until StayPuft is in bed. I quickly follow them to hide as well. At  7:30 boys come up to get ready for bed and read as is their routine. I go to check on SuperModel and she is asleep. At 7:30 half of my family was asleep and by 8:15 I was the only one not playing patty cake with the sandman.

When Costco Starts selling milk cows, I'm buying. 

I locked up and left. Not kidding. I went to visit an old friend and go to a Taqueria. I was home and in bed just in time for number 4 to wake up and hate me some more. That was my Tuesday. Not enough work done to not feel guilty. Still haven't made my baby love me. Numbers 1 and 2 were excited about lunch but are generally lethargic due to heat and age and didn't see my wife awake for more than 90 seconds total. Also, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Wait no one in here speaks english and none of you need me?
Can I stay a week?

Today you ask? Laundry, Write Syllabi, Dust, Go to steel supply house to get more parts for StayPuft's new Big Girl Bed (which is adorable and she loves as long as the SuperModel sleeps with her. Last night was the first night and she required a friend. So, I didn't even see my wife sleep.) I will miss all this when it is over but man I feel as though I am being drawn and quartered. I was given a list of things to get done today so I should get to it.

New bed for StayPuft. Hold the vegetables.

beach trip

Summer is a third over more or less now. The family trip to the beach is done. Let's start there shall we?

A week at the beach with the 6 of us plus my sister's family and MiMi and 2Pop makes 12. We really love each other or else this wouldn't work. You never hear of sardine's getting into arguments in their little cans or peas in their pods. AARP and Mr. Fabulous got a bedroom that was only accessible from outside with its own bathroom and its own rules. They had a TV and no supervision. AARP has taken to his middle schooler persona quite well and slept till ten, came to beach, back to eat and watch tv at noon, back to the beach for a bit then hide till the next morning at 10. Its good to be 12. His brother followed his lead for the most part and they had a great time boogie boarding and playing in the water.

What AARP thinks he looks like in his sunglasses. Waaay too much swag for hanging out with me.

Number 4 loves to nap on the beach. I think he gets that from MiMi. The major difference is that he doesn't require the drinks cart arrive promptly at 4:30. My aim at the beach is to cater to my mother's every whim. You want wine coolers? Let me go to the store for you. You want them iced down and arriving promptly at 4:30? Done. You need me and the men folks to set up a canopy before you wake up in the morning for everyone to sit under? Happy to. Set up two secondary "time out" umbrellas incase someone has too much family time? Taken care of.

My mothers view for the week

My mother loves the beach and I make sure it stays that way. Felicia tags along with MiMi and are both as happy as some barnyard animal I can't think of laying in the sunshine.

Now, the real treat as some of you read on the book of faces, Stay Puft. She needs a new nom de plume BTW. Her mother described her as a drunken sorority girl on spring break in panama city. You put on her swim suit and she strips it off and runs naked through the house. She would go out and party as hard as she could all day and then fall over and pass out at night. She wanders out into the ocean in her own, stumbling around. You go and offer help. "No!" She was that girl. No one in the history of the beach has enjoyed it more than she did. 

Before

After

She got tuckered by the end and decided to just sit on the beach with pails of water and plastic shovels and cook. She moved water from pail to pail and added sand. Lots of stirring was required. While doing this she would talk and gesture wildly. Picture Julia Child on location making Bouillabaisse. 

I'm Going to The Beach!

Needless to say we didn't get our family picture in kaki's and white shirts on the beach but 't was a good week. 

Date Night

Every three years wether you need it or not.

2Pop and Biggie Mimi kept StayPuft and Number 4 Saturday night for a bit so that the supermodel and I could go have a date. We were going to go to Avondale and eat and then walk over to the brewery and have quiet drink or two.  Turns out she and I are both a bit chatty. Went to the new pizza place over there, Post Office Pies. It was quite yummy but we sat down at a communal table and then a husband a wife sat down next to us. Somehow a conversation was struck up. Yada yada yada several high gravity beers later, the supermodel is gesturing wildly with her hands as she tells an anecdote as a good latin woman does and it is several hours later. I take responsibility for my share of the conversation as would Jeff if he were here. It is just fun to picture current wife trying to get a point across using only her hands. We told the couple goodbye and then looked at our watches. Time to go pick up the kids who we found out are acting age appropriate now and had worn my parents out.

"So at first it they fine and normal and then I balled them up and crushed them."
when referring to the souls of her enemies 

Not sure that was the date night we wanted but it was nice to go out with my smoking hot wife and not have my head on a swivel looking to see what StayPuft was destroying, who Mr. Fabulous was conning out of their wallet, or hearing how we were doing on time from AARP.

Yes my wife is gregarious and talks with her hands but it is in the best way. Sure she has saddled me with four of the most wonderful kids ever. No our date night didn't exactly follow strict lady and the tramp eating in a filthy alley standards. However, I would not trade it for the world.

Summer Projects

This last week around The Home has been extraordinarily quite as the boys are at their dad last week and this week. This means that things around here a pretty laid back. Lots of projects getting done. Having four minions progeny angels... well having four children keeps the project load a bit high. I try to not let Mr. Fabulous and AARP see me doing projects for their sister and not doing things for them. I am fair that way. Number 4 doesn't seem to mind too much at this point.

Ongoing projects you ask?
Picture this... Close your eyes and remember back to middle school. Not try and pinpoint that smell from gym as the young men found their bodies smell bouquet begin to bloom. It then immediately turns into a rotting garbage smell best I can remember. This then gets masked with deodorants with names like AwesomeSauce and I'mBoss and Swagalicious.

Okay now open your eyes. The boys have a pink 1950's bathroom. Upon seeing it for the first time Mr. Fabulous said he wouldn't use it. We then told him we didn't live in the country anymore so no peeing in the back yard. He relented. The unique thing about their pink bathroom is that it only has a bath and no shower. See picture below.

Clean this tub you must, Filthy it is. 

So, they soak in their own filth. Recently I have found that after they get out of the bathroom Stay-Puft's bath toys are in the tub. Those foam letters are fun, I don't blame them really. So all this to say, they have a shower now. We still have to figure out tile or some such and a shower curtain but, I sleep better knowing that my kids don't have to be the stinky ones. There  is always a stinky kid I warned AARP and this seems to have worked. He is pro shower now. 

In middle school stink terms, every shower is an emergency shower.

Second project is Stay Puft's bed. She is really slimming down now with all the pool time of late but her Dozier status has not changed. Run through a wall and be more stubborn than it. Anyway, I need her crib for Number 4. She is being evicted from it and as such needs a big girl bed. We took the front off the crib a while back and have been using it as a de facto toddler bed that she won't sleep in. The floor is so much better. Just ask her. So, a princess bed. Fun parts. Supermodel thought it was a twin sized bed and fell in love. It is a full sized bed and I loaded it in the car. It was covered in child killing lead based paint. Supermodels attempt as stripping said neurotoxin were futile. So it was sandblasted and then Number 4 and I went to buy steel to reinforce and make better. 

There is a great sense of pride pulling into a steel supply yard with all of its cranes and men and sparks and grease and what not and holding a two month old while you give him a bottle. I do think this is what landed me a date with the supermodel this past weekend. 

You can't see Toothless (my minivan) but it is parked behind the truck and
I am in the back shopping and giving Number 4 a bottle. 

I digress, I got to weld and cut and grind and weld to my hearts content (read as: until the smoke detectors went off). We are now in the process of finishing the paint job on this thing and it will be the girly-est thing in her life by leaps and bounds. 

picture this bed with a magenta bedspread in a room full of matchbox cars

So, boys get clean and she gets some idea that she may in fact be a real princess and not a really chatty bull dozer.