Updates from The Home©

It is super comfy don't judge me

Big Gurl Bed update. I believe Stay Puft doesn't love her bed. She continues to sleep on the floor by the door that we leave out of. She goes to her sound machine, turns on Mozart and cries for about 5 minutes until she falls asleep. We felt bad for her and put down a pallet of sorts. She has been sleeping on a quilt that my dear cousin made for her.

Since this fire seem to be simmering down to something we could handle, I decided to throw gasoline on it by taking away her pacifier. Why? She doesn't need it. That's why. Also, I like to hear her scream. It lets me know she is alive.

Update on Mr Fabulous and Wilson... They continue to grow. The supermodel is convinced that Wilson has grown 6 inches since matriculating into middle school. This may be true but he is still an awkward puppy that is all arms and legs and runs into things. Mr Fabulous continues to own the elementary school but has stopped referring to himself as awesome so, that is a plus.

Hound update: We are in the third trimester. My cravings have increased. I would kill for someone to invent a Thai/Indian Buffet this morning so that I could put it out of business at lunch... every day. I digress. The Supermodel is getting... full figured (?) on schedule. The boy seems to be healthy according to the OBwanGynobi. Our medical adviser also told us that if we missed a few appointments it would be fine. Apparently in addition to being a Russian Supermodel, my benevolent overlord is also great at making healthy babies and being pregnant. So, if you need a baby and have no means of your own, for the right price I will offer her womb (and me putting up with her placenta clouded brain).

For the love of Ganesh! Is this too much to ask for? I made it big so you would be as hungry as me!

I woke up today well rested

Stay Puft's latest Doppelganger

The first night in big gurl bed was hit or miss. She was a bit needy but last night went off without a hitch....for most of us.... well for me really. I slept fabulously. I will say that I had to replace the divot in the bed where she escaped to sleep on the floor by door that leads to my bedroom. But, this was before I went to bed and she took her pillow with her to sleep over there and didn't cry. In fact, she turned on her sound machine to play classical music. She is classy when she sleeps on the floor. I think she just doesn't like her mattress. So, yeah, we had to do that twice. The second time she was laid across a giant stuffed fox passed out like a college freshman on the first soft thing she fell onto. She slept great basically and so did I. When I went to bed she was in the bed. When I woke up and went to get her, I may or may not have hit her with the door she was sleeping behind. My bad.

How can referencing this get you in trouble. It's so cute.

On a different note, the Russian supermodel has begun to use her pregnancy as an excuse of late. This is perfectly okay with me and I am not complaining chiefly because of the fact that she looks pregnant. However, her rotund belly baby bump and lack of sun exposure are quite the pairing. I may or may not have told her last night that it was so pale and rotund that I wanted to bathe it in butter milk and show her at the county fair. I am surprised I didn't have to sleep on the floor.

The L Tarpley Vision

I could see why you would think this is appealing but still... 

Polar Vortex

3/5s of my family has been knocked down due to disease. We are fighting through it but between that and the cold weather, I have several excuses to lie in bed or in front of the fire and not to be at work. That and I am teaching online for the first time which means that I did all this work getting ready for it and now I just sit back and answer questions.

Makes keeping up with them easier

The preparations for The Hound are getting exciting. Apparently you have to do more than put an old towel in a cardboard box. Stay Puft has decided to participate in this prepatory phase by waking up in the middle of the room. I don't know how she got there this morning. She certainly didn't miracle herself out there to paraphrase Full Metal Jacket. Now not only is she mobile, she refuses to be contained. If she learns how to open doors then we are moving to a more disney approved method of babysitting...

Now we are switching to a Big Gurl bed as early as tonight. I will try and let you know how that goes. So now we need a bed, a minivan bus, and an appointment at the hospital. I am sure we can get all that taken care of by April. Then I will have a new baby... that is so strange.

Last day of the year

Holidays Over. Time to get back to whatever our normal is. Strange that there is so much build up and then my family drags it out for a week or two, which I really do enjoy. Then it is over and I am very much excited about being done with it. I take down decorations like pulling a band-aid. If our living room looked like St. Nick vomited all over it previously then, it looks empty and sad now. The two extremes I suppose.

Its almost time!

Also, who knew that this next baby, AKA The Hound, is almost here. Also, that gummy bear is a dude! Not news to most of you but What the What!? We are totally not ready and won't be and will never be as no one ever is but What the What?!

So, back at work. Boys will be back to school in a week and Stay-Puft will go to her new big girl classroom on the 2nd. Not the "Go Go Big Girl What Chu Gon Do" kind of big girl just older and sassier. I will spend the next few months preparing a crate for The Hound and trying to stay ahead of the progeny but lord knows I will be ready for the holidays next year.

Fake Christmas

Merry Christmas (eve eve as ours is on the 27th):

Oh stop it some more.

This is the second year in a row that the boys have not been here on Christmas morning due to a scheduling change (so that they could be with us on my families every-other year thanksgiving schedule). It makes this morning terribly difficult. Christmas without them every other year is only going to get more difficult as the wee fat one and her prehistorically named unborn kin begin to understand the jolly fat one.

To make this more difficult for this year, there has been a last minute "scheduling issue." This means that even our fake christmas eve will be screwy because the boys won't be able see stay puft before she goes to bed. If there is anyone reading who had to deal with blended/hybrid family holidays I would love to hear ideas.

Absence of the Blog:
Their father is the reason I stopped writing this blog. He found it, read it and sent me an email berating me and saying purposefully hurtful things about my role in the boy's lives. I got really upset and quit writing for a while but in a classic BigCat turn of phrase.... You know what? I will write whatever I damn please and he can....enjoy it. But I digress...

It was brought to my attention that it will be super fun to show this blog to the boys when they are older so that they can see what I was thinking through the years. That is a very good point ginger lauren. So, I have decided to write for me and for the boys.  A few years ago, I asked my father to begin keeping a journal so that after his passing I could go through and see what goes through his head. This I suppose is my version of that.

So, Merry Christmas to all of you and I hope that I can make up some unreasonable resolution about blogging three days a week on a schedule but we will see.

I have a hoof disease

My ailment is not bovine in nature

It has long been suggested that Stay Puft's school's name is Hand in Paw. It has now been changed to hand in hoof. Everyone's favorite marshmallow baby came home a week ago with Hand Foot and Mouth Disease which was immediately confused with foot and mouth which is a fatal virus which effects cloven animals. It was no big deal with her as nothing is. She was pretty laid back about the whole thing. Some spots on her hands and feet. A couple of cold sores on her tongue. She didn't want OJ but other than that she was solid. Then, the other shoe dropped....

I got it.

I was too busy to keep my reservation at the sanatorium

Apparently this works like chicken pox. You get it once and are good. Also like chicken pox, it is much much worse in adults. I can vouch for this. Last Thursday, back ache and sore and generally felt as thought I had been hit by a truck then it backed up just to make sure I was flat enough. By the time class was over at ten I had a low grade fever of about 102 and change. I spend the day in bed. Was forced to visit a doctor that evening to rule out flu. I wasn't. He suggested it was flu-like. I had back to back meetings Friday and a preview day for high school kids Saturday then attended the Ole Miss - Alabama Game that night. After those two days I had crashed again. My voice was gone due to the razor blades and broken glass I had been eating for the previous two days. I don't recommend that diet but it was effective. I had no appetite. Apparently cold sores in the mouth and throat are a part of my hoof disease. 

All better now other than throat herpes or whatever is attacking my throat. It looks like the supermodel is waking up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby and then sneaking back into our room and punching me in the throat. I say it looks like that because surely that isn't what is going on. Is it? Pregnant women are prone to blame their perfect husband's for being a vector for their parasites. Just like their parasites can be born and be a vector for cow diseases for perfect husbands . Guess its fair but I won't hit Stay Puft in the throat in the middle of the night. That makes me better than the supermodel.