If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
Meaning: What you are about to read didn't really
happen and you aren't reading this blog post, you are having a dream. I can't
get in trouble for what I am about to write because it isn't real life. (How's
that for a literary disclaimer?)
My weekend you ask? Eventful.
Boys had a Boy Scout campout that is quite involved
and includes running a gambit of challenges and obstacles throughout one night.
It is so involved that the adult leaders go up the day before to set up and
some two days before. This was shaping up to be brilliant (other than the rain).
Can't you just hear the birds chirping? What could go wrong? |
I had some big fancy schmacy executive council
luncheon and meeting Friday and could not leave town to go and help the other
adult leaders until that afternoon.
They didn't turn my umbrella inside out so I consider it a good fancy meeting. My understanding of meeting decorum comes from Disney movies |
The campout was at a local Boy Scout summer camp
that I happened to work at for 10 years. I know this place better than I know
my wife. My relationship with this camp is as complicated and I may love it almost
as much. It feels as much like home as anywhere else I have ever lived. I
didn't arrive until dusk and as it has been 10 years since my last visit, I may
have cried a bit.
I bebop down the gravel and dirt roads from memory
headed to where I was to meet the other adults. As I make the last turn, I
drive through what I remember being an enormous mud hole known as "the
quagmire." I am immediately grateful that I made it through and get to the
end of this part of the road only to find an enormous rock. This road? Not a
road anymore. It is now a trail apparently because cars/tractors kept getting
stuck. I will just back out. Nope. Stuck. Over the hub.
If I had been allowed to modify the dad van.... |
I get out of the car in my fancy schmacy meeting
clothes and walk the remaining few hundred yards carrying my gear in a light
drizzle. This should have been the sign...
Eventually, I find out that I am camping a half
mile away and get a ride there and get set up and change clothes. Around this
time I get the text saying, "I think I have a broken radiator hose."
Not good. Turns out it was the whole radiator
Maybe this only happens in our house, but every time
I leave town the world melts around The Supermodel. Kids getting stitches,
heirlooms broken, etc.
She get's the car dropped off, deals with kids who
didn't have the greatest day ever and survives. She wakes up at 6 am with a
migraine to needy kids. What could possibly be next?
Friday night, a deluge happened where we were. No
one around me got any sleep due to thunder and lightning and enough rain to
require an ark. I had a phantom allergic reaction come up just before bed and
had taken a Benadryl and slept quite well, only waking a few times.
All of this rain meant that the boats required for one of the events
planned had to be emptied. Two men who were less than able bodied had brought
pots to bail out the boats and it would have been 12 hours to make this happen.
I walk over and begin the process of hauling the boats out of the water to flip
them over when; I bend over to unmoor one and my phone drops into the deep end
of the water in the boat.
You can't read confrontational texts underwater so there is that. |
I move quickly to retrieve it and where I step the causes the boat to rock and settle on the side that I was now standing on. The water then goes over the top of my boot, filling it with water.
Spoiler Alert,
I didn't get to change said boot or sock until 11PM. This happened at 8 AM. My
foot is still prune-y.
Do Not Ever google image search prune feet. My feet weren't that bad and I will never complain again. Hence pictures of dried fruit. |
I got the boats emptied, phone in pocket to dry out (in the midst of
trying to calm a quite heated matriarch is bad timing to say the least), and
walked with a bit of a squishing sound back to where I was and sat down on a post
to calm myself down, get over it, and tell myself that it would all be okay. It
was not. Apparently that post had been colonized a large family of fire ants. I
spent the next hour feeling phantom ants crawling across my lower back/upper
rear end. The problem was that none of the ants were actually phantom ants they
were real ants. I now have around 1 kajillion ant bites along my lower back.
Every time I reached back, I interrupted an ant in the process of trying to
bite me.
slowly saying "nom nom nom" |
After all that, I am not sure what happened. It rained quite a bit but
the boys and I had a great time camping and ate well. The Supermodel got to
spend time with El Fox’s new best friend and her family.
I do know what I saw when I got home Sunday. The small two ran to the
door to greet me and were screaming for me gleefully. I quickly unpacked
outside and hung up all of my gear and clothes to dry and/or wait to be
laundered. The older boys rode the bus with the troop so; at this point I am by
myself. I walk into the house after getting my gear squared away and I see El
Fox being chased by the Dino through the house. It appears as though they have
been running amuck for the weekend. I can see where The Supermodel has been
cleaning obviously. She put in a solid effort and had been beaten back.
Attrition is no way to lose a war. Being trapped with them at home with no car must be her own personal hell.
The only place worse to be stuck at than home with your kids. File this under: Oh dear god please waterboard me instead! |
So, they are chasing one another through a minefield of play food,
matchbox cars, blocks, Legos and God only know what else. I then notice that
she is wearing a princess dress and heels carrying her toothbrush and
toothpaste. That is odd enough. I then notice that her pursuer is chasing her
with his older brothers toothbrush. I am now following him in this parade of
nonsense while wearing camping clothes covered in red mud. Kitchen to Dining
Room, a loop through the living room, down the hall to their bedroom. This is
where I found The Supermodel asleep in The Fox’s bed.
Let's all pretend that she was sleeping with a smile on her face with her hair done. Maybe I can get some points back for not describing the truth. |
I said nothing, ran away, showered, cleaned up toys, loaded the princess
and The Dino into my car, and ran away in fear. Several hours later, after
getting the older children, we returned home and had a lovely evening and were
all in bed before 8.
Let us remember our Shakespeare, I didn't say anything bad about my wife. She is a delight. You are just dreaming all this while sleeping prettily.