Out of order

i owe you, my dear readers, a post describing the most wonderful office party ever.

This is not that post. I blog today from a booth at a locally owned coffee shop. I am so hip. Why am I here all alone on Christmas Eve? Am I working on my book of depressing verse? The great American novel? Nope. I am chaperoning a date.

Wilson is exchanging gifts with his lady friend. He already looks like a lanky little Labrador. He is all arms and legs. Make him incredibly nervous and sit him next to a girl. He may have been visibly shaking on the way here. They are cute and are chatting one another up out of ear shot.

The car ride however was awkward for even me. He made a statement suggesting snow for Christmas.  She replied that she would not like that due to the cold and the amount of work? Strike one for her just FYI. He then reverses course and agrees with whatever she says. I trained him well and he listened to the pep talk.

My mother and father tell the story of driving me to pick up a girl for a dance in their minivan. As I opened the door, the top half came unhinged and hit the poor girl, whoever she was. On a scale of that to really great, this is pretty great.

We have other plans and I need to give him the high sign. What kind of wingman would I be if I broke up his game? He may never, in his words, get his swagger back. I can wait.

My life has come to this. Explaining which coffee drink to buy to sound like he knows things and watching him flirt from afar. It is a macchiato by the way. Sounds cool but also has enough  sugar as to be drunk by a boy of nearly 13 years.

Seriously, the hand gesturing Wilson?! He is his mothers son. Once when explaining string theory, she simultaneously signaled a runner on base to steal second at Wrigley Field and had a C130 full of Navy Seals land at JFK.

Okay off to wrap this up.

Patient Zero and the ensuing chaos

It is possible. I repeat possible that the baby dino got everyone sick at the party. MiMi, 2Pop, My sister, a cousin's son, and last but not least great grandfather dino all came down with something eerily similar.

In other news, I have taken the day off to spend with the supermodel. This means that I am blogging from her office obviously. A quick meeting she had to come into. Also, the last twelve hours have been exciting. I shall photo essay?

Started with a beautiful dinner with my family.

Enjoyed a Christmas Classic with the boys after the little two went down

 

Helped the Supermodel wrap some presents

 See that sounds wonderful right? This is where things went oddly and fast. We went downstairs to work on the Christmas present that I am building for the NieceTwins. This involved sanding and painting. At some point. Totally my fault.....I spilled a gallon of paint on the floor and my Supermodel.

Not as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit body paint as you might have imagined

 So, we cleaned that up and went to bed. At some point I was called in to have a spend the night party with The Shadow but when I woke up...

The bed didn't have this much blood but it was close. Apparently The Shadow had a nose bleed.

Not sure what caused the nose bleed but I am bothered by it and still am scared I elbowed her in the nose. Look I bring my A game to sleeping. If she tried to post up in my spot, in my unconcious state, I may have caught her with a bow. This has two effects. 1. I am scared to death to spend the night in her bed again and I may be banished by the Supermodel. 2. I have more laundry to do.

This light does not mean The Genie from Aladdin is in your future

Next up was car trouble in paradise. Apparently the Supermodels car had several lights come on as she left for work. The culprit? Lack of oil. Now, don't blame her. We knew that was part of the deal with her car. It loses oil. I lose my keys and it loses oil. To combat this she gets oil changes more often or tops it off. It drank extra this month. Upswing, that may be the noise she has been hearing and not faint voices of Ghosts of Christmas Future.

Since then we have Christmas shopped and had a romantic lunch at Taco Bell. Don't judge. Everyone eats there. We just did it sober. Feel free to stick around, who knows what will come of this afternoon. I mean heck, we still have to paint.

A plague upon my house

Saturday was the made up holiday that my father's side of the family celebrates. It was initially set up to make it more convenient for my ailing grandmother and to cut down on the stress of trying to see everyone at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas. So, the 15 of December every year we get together and celebrate both holidays. It really has been smart and a ton of fun even if it does feel a bit like festivus.

"I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it!"

The last few years, it has been held at the YMCA in Montgomery. This is the Y that I learned to swim at. I have a very poor memory and what I do have is snapshots of the most odd things. I can tell you the exact layout of that pool and the diving board I jumped off of for the first time ever and my father, P daddy, treading water waiting to catch me. Who were my friends growing up? No idea. Blueprint for the pool? Yep.

He did however keep backing up and making me try to swim to him
Unattainable goals start in the pool. 

I digress, the Y. So we rent a room full of inflatables that has a kitchen and bathrooms. It is the perfect set up. There is a giant slide, a bouncy house and a huge obstacle course type of thing. The Shadow was overwhelmed and scared and shy... for the first 5 minutes. At some point her P-daddy took off his shoes and went to the top of the slide with her and slid with her. After that is was on. For the next three hours she never stopped moving. Well she stopped when Santa got there. This is her first Santa experience. She did great. Not great for blog fodder but adorable in person.

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Lil Dino fell ill Sunday with cholera/dysentery. At one point while tending to the little two by myself he ended up in the tub where I felt like he could contaminate the least things. There were things coming out in places I didn't know they could. It was bad.

Seriously? Bathe in the morning and evening? Who has time for that?
Clean the house everyday?
Avoid Drunkenness?
Quite Frankly, I am surprised we haven't had Cholera more often.

I got the same thing yesterday. I feel bad for Lil Dino.

Christmas Pageant Live Blog.

9:45 this church was slam full 30 minutes ago. Never underestimate the promptness of grandparents. MiMi and 2Pop just arrived but the Supermodel can't be bothered to be early. Her adoring fans at work couldn't be without her.

9:58 just got a text, she may make it in time for the introduction by Miss Alabama. Who has the pull to get her to come to a preschool event??

9:59 here we go. We have a farm apparently. Old MacDonald themed. Video of lil Dino and friends due to the fact they don't perform like trained monkeys. Nice video though. Lots of oos and ahhs. Everybody loves a fat sleepy baby.

10:07. First set of monkeys. I would cry too buddy. Lots of jingle bells and not performing on command. They aren't even 2. Can you force kids to perform at this age? What is minimum wage for a two year old jingle bell player? The Shadow's group is next. This is stinking cute but she will bust up this party.

10:11 We are up. Hold your breath. OMG!! Santa hat and fat cheeks! Here we go. She has he own teacher/handler. This group is way more professional. She is silent and staring at the crowd at center stage. Cutting her eyes. The whole group is silent. She was on point. Okay all done that. Still steady watching us though.

10:16 now the rest of the older less diva-y kids. Stay Puft was is the Tina Turner of her class. Wow these other older classes. You start the song and off they go singing. They each have their own pace and meter for the song. The chorus is banging. The verses are tough.

10:21 Snowmen are exiting and now we have reindeer. The cutest part is the kids in various walkers and wheelchairs that are decorated as sleighs etc. Kids who can't speak using their Steven Hawking see n say's. Stinking cute. Hard to be cynical.

10:28 We are back to a chorus. This feels like Christmas Irish drinking songs. These kids are swaying and belting it out. Hand them a stein.

10:55 Ms. Alabama came and gave an inspirational speech. Not sure what that was about and no one else was either. People from ACIPCO handing the CEO a check from the employees. That is a really great company.

11:00 And we are done. That was quick and painless. No grammy threats here but all in all I feel more Christmas-y

In need of bottles please help

My 80 something year old grandmother asked for a bottle tree for Christmas two years ago and so, I made her one last year. I got it done in within a calendar year stop judging. She then realized that she doesn't drink and has no way of collecting beautiful bottles to put on it.

Therefore I beg of you, for my grandmother, we need bottles that are not green or clear. Between my wino wife and my whisky proclivity, she has green and clear covered. Any blue or red or any other color bottles would be greatly appreciated. I will be in the Gump Saturday so this means you, super fun catholic cousins and aunts! Two of a kind I am looking at you. The rest of you as well. I promise I won't judge your consumption of Bombay Sapphire. If your bottles aren't quite empty, I can help with that too.

Send word and I will help finish them up and come pick them up.

We have a problem

Apparently the holiday baking has created a rift in my relationship. I went to make myself breakfast while waiting to take The Shadow to her Christmas pageant and when I went to the fridge there was a bit of a scare when I noticed the egg and butter shortage. I swear she bought 12 pounds of butter and 3 dozen eggs last week. This is not an exaggeration. I scrounged up enough to fry the most beautiful pair of over easy eggs the world has ever seen. They were a work of art. The rest of you can quit trying. I reached ovum perfection.  Sad part was due to all the baking, The Shadow had to make due with just sausage and OJ. Big Cat doesn't share breakfast.

Back to the rift. Apprently the Supermodels treats were a big hit with all the fortunate people who got some. I will say however that there has been a wedge forced between us. There have been pledges of love and appreciation and one marriage proposal. I found her second and put a ring on it fair and square. I won't say who (it rhymes with a Eeeee-va from Wal-E) but they offered their hand in marriage and promised an accomidating and open marriage. How am I supposed to compete with that I ask you?! She is my smoking hot, culinarily gifted, and butter hoarding bride. You can't have her! If you return your tins  however I might share her again next year.

Holidays are in full swing

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Ours was a delight with just enough family time. I was however tempted to stop eating long enough to shop on Brown Thursday. My families rally point in Walmart was the avocados. Why? Because who is shopping for exotic fruits on Thanksgiving? I will say that the people watching was excellent and me and baby dino stood in line for something to go on sale that my aunt and mother wanted. Successfully no less.

Hopefully the Dino will be big enough the hold his own next year.

Also, football. The Shadow is of age now and is learning about our tradition of watching football and considering it a major part of our identity in this state. First week of school in Alabama and the boys were asked their loyalties. Anyway, The Shadow has made her opinion known. During each of the games she would squeal with delight then clap and scream, "Yea Football!" I fully support her love of both teams. Future diplomat in some country that has delicious snacks.

I sit here with a burden off my shoulders. My final grades are turned in and I sit waiting for the groveling and donuts to start flowing into my office. Problem is that most of them flock home to momma bird after the exams. Result is that I get groveling without donuts.

Please Sir. But I am an "A" student

Other holiday excitement? House is decorated all 1950's fabulous. Baking is wrapping up now. Wife bakes inordinate amounts of the most delicious treats and promptly puts them into tins and gives them away. To those of you reading who got said treats, let me know how they turned out. They looked and smelled delicious on the way out the door. The first of them left when we hosted a party for my freshman course. There were approximately 300 people in our living room. If you have seen it you know that we were nervous about the floor joists. You could hear them crying.

how you should picture my super talented super hot wife baking

How my super talented super hot wife actually bakes

Gift season is also arriving. I will now state my concerns. I am not complaining. We have a large family who all love to give gifts at this time of year. It is a way to say thank you for all you have done and as a remembrance of the birth of Jesus. That is a really sweet gesture. There are pitfalls however.

Wilson and AbFab go back to MS to their father's house and his family for a portion of the holiday. You ask them to sit down and make a list and you get back 10-15 items. Perfect. Enough for everyone to get the boys one thing. Good job boys. You then look at the list. 2-3 real wishes and 13 items including but not limited to: pop tarts, replacement lead for mechanical pencil, breath spray, a surprise, a second surprise. This is a great sign. The boys have all they need and are getting to the cash/gift card age that makes gift giving no fun. So socks and underwear for those guys.

It could always be worse/ waaaay better

The little two are a blast to shop for however The Shadow is still confused about what all the fuss is about. Santa is no where on her radar. The snacks she is okay with. I caught her coveting her mothers Dunkin Bread this morning. Dunkin you ask? This is our way of saying pumpkin. It is adorable and I may suggest this adoption happen for all of humanity. She has a holiday pageant? program? tomorrow. I will try to live blog that event for all of you playing at home. Get excited.

My semester is wrapped up mostly. I will spend the next 14 days shopping and making gifts while listening to porky pig holiday music. How does a person craft a Doc McStuffin Exam table/ Grocery store? My secret goal is to find people to play hooky with me and go get long lunches and enjoy time with adults next week.

If you don't call me to do lunch and sit around and smoke cigars,
she is my fabulous back up plan

Happy Holidays

Annual rant from a curmudgeon

I heart Thanksgiving.

let me count the ways.
1. All that is asked of you is to be thankful (see web link for 26 empirical reasons)
2. If you feel up to it, cook a bit to share with family and friends
3. Eat

Geez if we can't to this as a country we really are screwed. Granted the history of the holiday is a bit off and we did trade small pox for land but lets not let the truth get in the way of a good holiday.

What I don't like? The overreach of other holidays. If I lose Halloween next I will stop participating in our society completely. I have stopped going into major retail stores at this point due to the music and decorations. The problem is that the Supermodel has as well. We are hungry. Why doesn't Publix deliver? We may have to pretend to be elderly and incapacitated and ask for meals on wheels.

I digress. Keep your Santa off my Turkey! Also, this season can be a difficult time around the dinner table due to the differences in polical/social outlooks. I have turned to Vox for a lot of my news lately. They have a handy guide to dealing with these discussions. If you plan on seeing me for dinner or drinks during the holiday season, I ask that you read this brief primer.

derelict in my duties

I said duty. Tee Hee

No, I have not written of late. Yes, I have too many people living in my house and too many needy students. But, I have some time so here we go!

To catch you up on my life, I have been exercising like I said I would since the last post and I feel better but man, exercising still stinks. I ran a 10K instead of the 5K. It went well. No it was not a personal best for me but it was a lovely day and I got to run with the Ging.

The Supermodel has been training as well. 

Also, the supermodel and I with the smaller pair went to OleMiss for Halloween and the Auburn Game. I miss that town and my friends who live there. I got to see all the inhabitants of Noonanza, quadrupeds and bipeds alike. The Shadow, aka Stay Puft, is so far up my rear end at this point that I can tell when she sneezes before she does. Anyway, The Shadow made friends with the turkeys until they started following her. I have to admit that if a bird as tall as me started following me and gobbling at me I would relish Thanksgiving as well.

At first she and the turkey's were working on their secret handshake
Now she is working on inventing a secret cranberry sauce

Also, See Video

Speaking of murdering delicious animals...
P-Daddy took the older progeny and me to a deer hunting facility. A friend of his purchased 1500 acres and put a big fence around it. Now, I understand that we hunt white tailed deer because they are overpopulated. I understand that we regulate it and have a season so that we don't over hunt them. I am a biologist interested in what affects populations, I get this (Also, i wrote this "effects" and was correctd. If you need to see the Isthmus Grammar Czar, feel free to go to Helen Waite). What I fail to make heads or tails of is why we then fence them in and breed them to make more. We then know all of them and name them and hunt them inside this fence. Have you seen the trailer for the new Jurassic Park? I imagine big deer and Jeff Goldblum being picked off a toilet. Either way I say that old white men with time and money are asking for it.

Especially when you start tinkering then stop tinkering for a potty break.
Doesn't end well. 

I should not complain as we got to go and look at deer. We did not kill any. Why? Not because it would be too graphic for the boys to see. Not because it wasn't season. It was youth hunt weekend. Why then? Because we shot our little .22 during the day before we went out. I will say this. The safest place in those woods would have been right next to the deer. Also, deer hunting is exhausting.

I don't know how it wears on you but, it does. I took Wilson and AbFab to the tree stand that night. It was a pod type thing with a door that closed. It was warm inside and had windows all the way around. Almost immediately Wilson fell asleep. The walk out and the ladder must have just tuckered that poor boy out. Also, Twelve. Twelve is a magic number that includes growing and eating. No time for thinking at this age. Too busy growing and eating. After Wilson went down, AbFab got out of his seat and laid down behind his and his brothers seat and tried to go to sleep. In a hunter/gatherer society these two better marry well and become a lot more keen on being vegetarian. As dusk set and deer began to come into the field, I roused them and they were excited until Wilson fell back asleep. We counted up the hours from a few weeks ago and he slept 16 of 24 hours one Saturday. His mother was so proud.

Wilson really got close to the deer.

Their favorite part of the Boy Stuff Weekend? Our host, upon our arrival, immediately handed over the keys to a bright yellow jeep. The boys asked when they got there if they could ride a four-wheeler. He said that it wasn't working but that they could drive the Jeep. I will now live 10 less years. Spend time with me now because at 75 I will run out of years. If you know the boys you will assume that Wilson was conscientious and a cautious driver. He was. I would let him chauffeur me around town any day (as long as it was at 20 miles per hour or lower). He didn't fall asleep on me and he did really quite well. Teaching him to drive will be okay.

As for AbFab.... He will never be allowed to drive. Ever. You are welcome. Throttle control? Nope. Distracted Driving? Check. Visions of Grandeur? You have no idea. Granted he couldn't see over the steering wheel and so I give him some leeway still you shouldn't try and pull a four wheel drift 1. in a jeep 2. going 20 miles an hour 3. with me in the dang car! He thinks he is Ken Block. We have some work to do over the next 5 years or else he will have to ride a skateboard for the rest of his life.

"Padre you never trust me.
Once you flip it back over can I get another turn?"

BigCat Productions and Tax Advice

Me you ask? I am about the same. Thanks for asking. Dog going was hard this week. But, I have a new scheme.

I may need some advice but I am looking into registering my family as a 403bNiner or whatever the numbers are. We are totally a not for profit that does charitable work. I know. I know. I can't refer to rearing my children as charity any more than I can call keeping them babysitting. If we ignore that for a moment, it seems brilliant. Imagine the fundraisers and pledge cards. 

Big Cat Productions could make a charity album. A gala ball. We could sell wrapping paper and boston butts. We could sell popcorn and KrispyKreme donuts. Okay not the donuts. You know on second thought, that sounds like a lot of work to get money. I have the cute faces to lure in donors. Rx's smile is stinking cute. We could charge to hold him and smell that baby smell.  

Wait Wait! Better idea. So, part of my working out includes running apparently. I am supposed to participate in the RibRun next month. It is a 5k where you stop every mile and get a rib to eat. In the summer was the KrispyKreme Run. You run half a 5k pick up a dozen donuts and run the other half. You can choose to eat or carry them. I propose a third leg to what is already called the iron belly. I have no idea what they would eat. Obviously not deviled eggs or milkshakes but something. 

This is my kind of medal.

First things first I need my tax shelter. 

I am telling you that this scheme more than any of my others may work. Just remember its for the kids. 

ImRexyAndIKnowIt

What do you say about child number 4? I am pretty sure he is here somewhere. During the planning of Mr. Fabulous' birthday party, a mother of one sat in on the matinee performance of "My Life." She was speechless by the end. It was a breath taking performance apparently. She simply shook her head and later recounted to her husband a single word: busy. This requires a certain amount of lubrication to keep the wheels turning smoothly.

How I like to picture the supermodel. Hello Ava Gardner

More realistic version also, More fun

A bit of a theorem I am working on

In and amongst all that busy is Lil Rxy. He now sits up and smiles more.

Some have called him a flirt. He does smile at women and give them the eyes. No he is not in training for this. It comes natural. 

Other news? Went for a 6 (and a half) month check-up. He is 6'2" which is impressive. That may be an exaggeration but he is long. his legs hang out of the car seat and I have caught them on every door frame on the way out of our house and at hand in paw. No he can't crawl yet. We are actively discouraging it. And talking. Discouraging that as well. Seriously you get to walk and talk your whole life. Take a break now and enjoy being catered to. 

He, like his sister, enjoys midnight gab sessions and mom is nice enough to provide the snacks. He can't stay in our room anymore though because he is so large that he broke is cradle. Yes you read that right. Tell him to get a trainer and go to yoga why don't cha?

Short Round

Weather happened last night. ShortRounds school, hand in paw, sent home all the bike helmets with the younglings so as to be prepared for the weather. I assume she was going to ride on the handle bars of the wicked witch. She wore it on the way back to school today. Why you ask? Because toddler.

Wait! You are my ride!

I have had realistic expectations for the kids mostly. If anything I have been underwhelmed by their behavior. I expected the worst. I mean child birth was a breeze that involved snacks and a recliner. For the most part it has been more of the same. Sure babies don't sleep all night sometimes and diapers and all that. Mostly, it has been fun and you block out the rest. Then, toddler. Don't get me wrong I love our short round, stay-putt, E.Nor, Foxxy Baby. In the last week or so, she has changed from the lovable, durable, future middle linebacker that we all know and love into a toddler. It wasn't until a couple of days ago when we saw the discharge running down the outside of her ear that we figured it out. 

I have an ear infection and am now going to kick your butt
(I seriously need to re-watch Little Giants. Come on, the annexation of Puerto Rico?)

I think that toddler is disease of the inner ear that while contained is harmless. Her tubes, however, allowed it to leak out and corrupt her. I blame that weekend retreat to Liberia with the layovers in Dallas and Spain. Seriously, I hope it is just an ear infection and we will get back my little monster soon. I do fear however that if toddler goes untreated it will turn into little girl then tween and finally teen. We need to nip this in the bud before it progresses. 

An Ear Infection caused all this!? 

Other recent relegations:

1. she enjoys led zeppelin, queen and ozzy. This morning was ZZ Top

2. she enjoys football games at daddy's school and sliding down hills on cardboard with her brothers

3. she enjoys sliding by herself more. She may get the school cheerleaders skirt and football jersey combo.

4. she likes waking up halfway through the night and requesting that I come lay with her....till morning

She is good. We love her. 

Mr. Fabulous

For some time Mr. Fabulous was the character with the most entertainment value in our home. I am not saying that he has been dethroned but rather that he is growing up. He just had his 11th birthday. This was a joint party affair with a girl from his school. It was mine craft themed and raised my anxiety to 11. Some number of 5th graders with beverages that stain and a toddler and at someone else's house. They assured me that the kids couldn't break or ruin anything but I assured them that my children are often the exception to such ideas.

It went off without a hitch and fun was had by all. In general he is doing great these days. He is bored at school and gets in trouble for answering too many questions. New strategies include allowing him to tutor 3rd graders when his behavior is exceptional. Also, he has taken to learning JAVA in his spare time at school. I can't help but encourage this as he has no clue what he is doing. It is good to watch him struggle for the first time in a long time.

Halloween is approaching and he suggested going as a nerd/geek. I just nodded and refrained from suggesting that he may already be a nerd.

His only stated goals this year include 1. learning to code and 2. kissing his girlfriend. We are in trouble as he is the most fabulous geek we know.

Hey girl! How you Darwin?

Middle School

I don't remember middle school very well. I remember having a group of boys I was close to and having fun outside of school. I don't remember the putting some kid in a trashcan before class and leaving him there until after class. Oh wait, thats because I didn't. Wilson did. If you ask him, he didn't put the kid in the trash can. He merely didn't take him out. Trust him though, it was okay and hilarious. 

Guys Seriously? I need to go get my Bassoon and get to class

Band is going well and we played our first football game. Not marching but in the stands. If you added all the people from the crowd and the cheerleaders and the football team, the band would still outnumber them. I have no idea when band got cool but it did in this little hamlet. 

This was a propaganda poster in my school. I am pretty sure I remember it.

Middle school and middle schoolers are weird. He is like that puppy that isn't tiny and cute anymore but not quite grown and is mostly legs. I think that he and RexyAndIKnowIt both grew 4 inches in the last month as well. Sheesh. 

Supermodels and Dolphins

The Supermodel is as beautiful and talented as ever. No real change there. She has begun to attend yoga classes with The Ginger. There are several issues associated with this.

First, the instructor hates her and life apparently. This person, still not sure of gender, is only referred to as a heavy breather that likes to punish my wife and everyone else in the class. At some point she almost stood up and walked out. Oh my Latina wife. She claims this woman makes up yoga positions that aren't real. The dolphin being her least favorite. Apparently, she dolphined for hours one day. What I gather is that it is a series of push ups? No idea.

This is like a dolphin but way easier and if her trainer looked like this
she would go way more often I am sure. Also, who wears a necklace
when they work out. I say this picture was photoshopped.

Second issue: She feels better. She has more energy. She has lost more IHadABaby weight. We discussed how everyone in our city now only knows her body shape as either pregnant or recently pregnant. I am referring to her as a recovering pregnant. It is a real issue. I digress, she is happy. This brings us to the real issue.

Issue Three: Apparently BigCat needs to exercise so he can feel the same way.... Fat and Happy has been evicted from his happy place. I start this week. Not sure what I am starting but there is time blocked out on our family calendar for me to go do something. Lift weights? Swim? Spin? Who knows. She is also demanding that I find a personal trainer so as to make me go.

See he is "training" I do the same training with different results.
I think I am doing it wrong

Issue Four: with all this extra energy she is now looking around for projects to complete. First up? Take a dremel and remove all the grout from our shower floor and re-grout.

She is doing well and looks great and feels great and does awesome things with our kids and is a superhero. I hate her. She makes the rest of us look bad. Real bad. But whatever, I have snacks.

Time for a miniseries

Now that the Pintrest project has wrapped at the house and life is back to normalcy, it is time for updates. Rather than 1 enormous post I will take the time to write one for each of the members of our house. I will start with pets in this post. Before E.Nor aka short round aka stay puff was born we lost our Big Dumb Animal, Kate Monster. Today we had to put down our other dog, June Bugg. I have been crying my eyes out but the doctor, who is a friend, agreed with my diagnosis and decision. Doesn't make it any better.

I wouldn't trade anything for the time I got to spend with that girl and her endless howling. She will be missed.

I will say however, no more dogs until there are no more diapers. Maybe longer but I can't see me being dog-less forever. Stupid dogs and their weaseling their way into our emotions.

Not Mr. Fabulous and JuneBugg but close. 

Blood and Donkeys

I made what I thought was a poor decision last week. Well, realistically it was months ago. I scheduled 3/4 of my minions to go and see the dentist all in the same afternoon. Now where 3/4 go the 1/4 must follow. Important points of interest.
1. The dentist is a family friend
1b. He raises miniature donkeys for fun. Basically he is a great person.
2. He only typically sees adults and if I'm honest only geriatric adults. That may be a bit much but its close.
3. His waiting room has less seats than we have family members and is quite well appointed.

It is hard to hate anyone who helps
fill the earth with mini-donkeys (not the kid)

Scene is set. Enter from stage left The Hoard.

I have for the past few weeks been blue. It tends to lead to anxiety. This visit to the doctor would jump up and down all over my current unease. Or not?

Boys were angels. Stay-Puft aka Short Round watched the first get his cleaning and was into it. Really into it. Once Wilson was done she jumped ahead of Mr. Fabulous in the queue and demanded that her teeth be next. She had a purple toothbrush and a sticker to earn. Earn them she did. Best patient ever. To be fair she only has like 10 teeth or something. Mr. Fabulous was next and we were out of there. Even I'mRexy&IKnowIt was well behaved and endearing to the staff.

We walked out and that was it.... Until yesterday.

Inner monolog.

Yesterday I had to go. Now don't forget our points of interest about the Dentist. Again let me say he is the nicest and gentlest dentist I have ever been to. His hygienist is a doll. BigCat on the other hand is a big hot mess. I only have 3 mortal fears. Compared to some people that is mild. It just so happens that one of mine is the most cliche. Dentists. It is irrational. I love everyone in the office as people.

At some point in my life I had the opportunity to replace some teeth that I misplaced. There were a pair of root canals and fancy new teeth glued into my head. I somehow associate dentists and those visits with all the other nasty things going on in my life at that time. So, I hate the idea of dental appointments. Not the dentist. I reiterate, he is great.

No matter how much anxiety medicine I take prophylacticly, I lose my dang mind. I stop being chatty. I get tunnel vision. I generally freak. It was so bad yesterday that I panicked and rushed home to brush before the appointment. Did I brush lik
e a normal human? No. I brushed with the vigor and determination of the gods.  Sometimes gums bleed a little when you brush. No biggy. Yesterday, I think I ruptured my face artery. I was near tears freaking out and now there were copious amounts of my vitality pouring out of my face.

I digress. No I don't have great brushing and flossing habits. We all have things we could work on. That is one of mine. Don't judge. The hell I put myself through yesterday is irrational. I know this.

By child, they mean adult. Rational Reasonable Adult.

I survived and the best part is I get to go back in 6 months. Maybe ShortRound will hold my hand next time.

Couple Weekends of Note

Last weekend the boys were at their fathers and we were all settled in to have a fairly quiet weekend with the small ones. The supermodel in her vast wisdom had scheduled a playdate for ElFox. In a lapse in said wisdom she scheduled it for the exact kick off of the Alabama Football Season. ElFox's date came down with something at the last minute. The morning prior was spent cleaning the house top to bottom. It may have been easier to burn it down and start over but we finished laundry and went shopping to fill up the fridge with 8, yes 8, gallons of milk.

"the way i figure, these girls should keep BigCat supplied for a couple weeks"
Said no farmer ever. Oh the cereal we eat.

Once this was all done and we looked at one another with nothing to do, the decision was made to load up and make the trek to my sisters house to watch the game with the whole famdamily. It was pleasant and fun was had by all.

Sunday you ask? My former Advisor and his wife came to town to camp out and go tubing on the Lil' Cahaba. A grad student friend of mine came over as well, Stuben. This group of three plus the supermodel and I are almost always guaranteed to have a good time and more importantly get in trouble. We dropped off Foxy and Rexy with MiMi and 2Pop. We said 9-4. This will be key later.

Now tubing. I had not done this before. I whitewater kayaked and canoed growing up and generally am more happy when I am on water. Tubing was new. This is the most passive way to enjoy an afternoon that I can think of. People laying on couches with a remote and a gallon of french onion dip are jealous of people tubing. Not only do we get tubes but our cooler of snacks got its own as well.

Our route surprisingly was the exact same at the real Magellan and included a similar mutiny

Problems arose when we put my advisor in charge of navigation. By 3 o'clock we were 1/4 of the way to where my van was. There was a phone call made to 2Pop in shame. We started making new plans to take out at half-way and hike to the car. Where we took out looked a lot like a scene from Deliverance and the people weren't nearly that friendly. If you don't get that movie reference, whatever you do, don't go watch it. I still shudder.

Never watch this movie. If you have seen it then you understand
where we took out and why I wish I had a bow and arrow. 

Other things from that day that I can share? At one point we had to pull off the side of the road so that we could collect tissue from a timber rattlesnake that met its demise via a Michelin. I had collection vials and Stuben had grain alcohol (he doesn't drink but had run out of 95% ethanol on collecting trip and well liquor store are closer than universities). That was left at my house on Monday before they all left to return to the land of Hotty and Toddy. So, I have some snake's liver and one of its testicles in my freezer next to the teething rings. Gotta watch that.

Essentially the same as our fridge but we can't afford all that fancy alcohol.
Also, more milk in ours and less open shelving. Also, more biohazards.

The work week? Spent it sick and coughing up all sorts of things that we don't discuss in polite company but just between me and you, I think some of them were alive and self replicating. By weeks end though I was moved out of the consumption ward and back to the general population.


How to beat that you ask?
Fancy Dinner Friday with friends, Spend all day saturday working on my Pinterest project three years in the making and finally a birthday party on Sunday for Big Rex. Big weekend. The project I got to work on with my best friend and use all my big fancy wood working tools and even buy a new one. Also the progeny helped wash my old busted truck and then I got to drive it to the hardware store to buy lumber. That is a good day. Also, we will have bookcases in the living room finally. I have been stressed out and dreading building these things due to a self esteem issue. Between the friend, the heat and the need we are getting it done. Should be an interesting week moving forward.

So far so good. Nailed It!

Tours of The Home©

So, we had visitors to The Home this weekend. I am not sure what all happened but I know that Saturday night the Supermodel invited over the Ginger aka Sweetie and another friend from work who is a fan of the isthmus. I like to thing that it was blog tourism.

Fun was had by all and they got the full show.

Book your trip now.

First Day of School

This was sent to me on the children's first day of school and since today is my first day, I thought it appropriate. Yes it is 20 minutes but it is totally worth it as Bill Cosby Cliff Huxtable is my role model. Also he only has one stand up movie but a second one is coming.

they live

Have you ever seen the movie "they live"? Rowdy Roddy Piper and aliens and subliminal messages and.. oh well. I digress

put on the sunglasses and see them for what they are. I have put on my sunglasses.
They are middle school boys

Its morning. We have started a load of laundry that includes clothes found in various parts of our house and car port. I think some of the socks may have matches and there is a shirt for every boy. Why is there a shirt for every boy? At 1:30 I went to break up a topless pillow fight. It was by far the worst Abercrombie modeling shoot ever. I collected shirts and am laundering. Also, at some point, the SuperModel took a giant bowl of Laughy Taffy and threw into the basement with the hoard. We will be finding wrappers for years.

What they think they look like in their selfies

What the selfie actually looks like. 

As I sit here typing this, the SuperModel is downstairs with a pillow waking up the older half of this party and luring them upstairs with doughnuts that StayPuft and I went to go buy for her boyfriends at 6:30.

update time

two hours into this thing. a monsoon has caught me out on a pizza run and I may never dry out. I don't mind being a bit damp. The pizza was fine as well. The boys parade had been rained upon. No more playing outside.


I found half of them (plus StayPuft) outside in the rain, covered in mud and playing in the tree house. The SuperModel met them at the door and demanded they strip and go change into dry clothes. I let them get in the house before taking off their clothes. I am just currying favor.

Not the exact picture I didn't take but close. 

We have begun drinking prophylactically (as one does with 10 kids under their roof) and have the infant down. Only issue other than rain is keeping StayPuft away from all of her new best/boyfriends.

Brotherly Host Party Rolls Around Again

We have begun keeping RexARoni and StayPuft in the same room at night and it has gone as well as one could hope. This parenting gig just isn't challenging enough.

It is time for the annual Brotherly Host Party.

The boys work for months to party plan. They save money. I took the boys go to the grocery to purchase heaping piles of food that make my pancreas quake in its proverbial boots. Mr. Fabulous decided that anything costing approximately three dollars is "a really good deal." They have invited over a handful of friends each to spend the night. I will hunker down for the evening with a roll of paper towels and the crash cart from Children's Hospital after the pizza and ice cream. I know I will need the absorbent material. I assume I will need the WWII style wound dressing.

"so we were playing this awesome game on the rope swing with the axe...."

Last year, as you may remember, the Supermodel absconded with StayPuft and had a girls night elsewhere. You may also remember that I handled the situation with the same dignity and sense of decorum as you all expect from me. That was too easy. This year for a challenge I am keeping my wife, infant and toddler in the house with the ten boys perched precariously at the point of prepubescence. I will start a pool on which of us handles the evening the best. I am cheating and have hidden beer for myself. Smart money goes with: Supermodel with a wineglass and a vague excuse not to get out of bed in the morning. StayPuft getting 10 new boyfriends. RexARoni crying on and off and being the SuperModel's vague excuse. A perfect night is just as likely to happen I imagine.

This could totally happen... Please say it could. Look how not sweaty they are.
Look how they still have their shirts on. Bonus points because I can't smell the picture.

I hope to get an emergency phone call from somewhere that requires me to leave for the next 12 hours. If you are the one to make that phone call, there may or may not be a reward and I may or may not share my beer with you.