Flying is Dumb

If you know me, you know of my 3 irrational fears. In no particular order:
1. The Dentist
2. Returning Items
3. The Airport

I decided to attend the 39th Annual Meeting of the American Arachnological Society in Mitchell South Dakota to present my current research and meet the most famous spidermen and spiderwomen currently working in the US. The problem arose when I discovered that driving wouldn't be permissible by my university due to flying being marginally less expensive. Thus began the saga. I feel like it is epic in scope but realize that I am ridiculous.

Now if you fly regularly for work, pleasure or perhaps because you are a human living in a modern world where flying is a foregone conclusion, STOP here. What follows will seem like a normal experience. You have no frame of reference. It is well known that the last time I was forced to fly, I ended up in an airport bathroom in Memphis huddled in a corner and quietly sobbing. It ended with me getting a ride on the trash cart/golf cart thing through the terminal with a guy named for Thelonious Monk. Eventually I was picked up outside baggage claim by two very nice men in camouflage pajamas driving a Hummer. If you ever want to feel better about yourself, lets go grab a drink and I will recount that one again.

Not who you want holding a sign with your name at baggage claim in the middle of the night. 

If you are still reading this, don't blame me for this whiney post.

Where to start? How about at 4:30 when 2Pop, my father, came to pick me up from The Home. We were almost to the airport when I realized that I didn't have my ID. No big deal, we don't live too far from the airport. Most people would be frustrated. I sunk into my seat and hyperventilated. I am ridiculous. Back home, RUN through house, grab ID and back to car. I will say that I tried calling the Supermodel for help but she was dead. She is resurrected daily after about two cups of coffee. She was useless to me.

I get to the airport and line up for TSA. If you are nervous, don't fly.

Long story short, I did what I was asked but still had some guy get fresh with me and feel up and then want to swab my hands for explosives and that was after I used like 12 of those buckets to put my stuff in. Those buckets are hard to figure out.

Both Please

TSA was really the worst part. Flying early means that the crowds were light. I found my gate and saw ORD on the screen and watched it as though it would change at any minute causing me to repeat my Memphis ordeal.  After that it was smooth sailing to Chicago and on to South Dakota. There was a bit of confusion upon arrival. My ride from there to Mitchell thought my flight was late by 4 and a half hours and I got the opportunity to enjoy the airport. One word: Netflix. Air travel isn't so bad after all.

This flying thing is other than TSA is awesome. I should do this more. 

The way home you ask? I was supposed to be back yesterday around 5. I find myself 1300 miles or 19 hours by car from the meetings that I should be in today. Denver has a nice airport though. Oh my day yesterday you ask?

Leave meeting at 8:30AM and am at Souix Falls Regional Airport ready to catch my 11:23AM flight at one of their 7 gates by 10AM. Bonus travel tip: TSAs at regional airports are the best TSAs. First hiccup: weather in Chicago. My plane was late getting to South Dakota but landed as an emergency. That is reassuring. So delayed waiting for a part. I lose my mind again because I will miss my next flight. They have never dealt with this before and I am the only person who has ever gone through it. Eventually pull my panic into check and get updated ticket for Chicago to Birmingham from a nice woman at the counter who acted like I wasn't the first person to have to switch flights. We are delayed until 3PM waiting on part. Part can't leave Chicago to get to us. Around 3 the flight is canceled due to mechanical issues.

My travel spirit companion

Cue the internal meltdown. This proves to me that flying every 10 years is too often.

Apparently it is really good news that it was mechanical. I wait for everyone else to get tickets sorted before me out of chivalry and pure fear of losing it outwardly. The very nice young woman offered to let me fly from SD to Denver to Chicago to Birmingham over night but couldn't promise the Chicago flight would even happen. No thanks. I took the, stay over night, fly to Colorado in the morning and then be home by 2 PM option. Great. I found out that they will pay for a hotel room and give me 7 dollars to eat supper. I think the only people in my family that can eat for 7 dollars are The Supermodel and Lil Dino but I am grateful. Whatever, I supplement the food voucher and grab a whole pizza and eat it as I have missed lunch and it is around 3.

 Flight Delays > Velociraptors

I have gathered my thoughts and call the hotel to get a shuttle. They have no idea who I am. The nice woman who gave me the voucher was supposed to call and reserve room but forgot. I tell them I have the CC number on the voucher and can give it to them. That won't work, I have to go get in a new line with a new woman because I already left the gate area and have to go to the bag check area. All flights out of this place have become overbooked and Rome is burning. The airline employees are catching the brunt of it. I get back in line at a bit after three.

I just want to get out of this airport!

My neighbor in line was given a free one-week trip to Turkey but couldn't go for two days in a row. This is her third day to try. I let her go first. It is 4 o'clock when I get to the counter looking like a dog who has been beaten into submission by a line of maybe 10 people that took an hour to navigate.

Oh sorry was that out loud? Can you please help me?

The woman apologizes and gets me set up. I am in bed at the Best Western by 6 with Benadryl and a strong desire to sleep.

I wake up to fight another day and go to meet the hotel arranged taxi at 5 AM to catch my 6:15 flight. Taxi is 20 minutes late and I can see my life slipping away and consider looking for funeral homes in Sioux Falls. Get to the airport eventually and go through the super sweet small town TSA from the day before, only to get pulled out of line because my laptop is going to be used in some nefarious way. I got through that ordeal and went to my gate to check in and get a seat because as I walk up all I hear is "overbooked" and "stand-by."

OVERBOOKED????

Of course it is the first woman from yesterday who gave me the voucher for the room but forgot to actually book it. I didn't even mention it. I got a seat and made my way to where I sit now. I just looked up and I think they have changed my gate for the third time but I don't have the will to move. So, they will have to bring the plane to me. I may request a wheelchair at this point.

All this so that I could hang out, drink beer and stare at spider sex organs for 7 days now. Next year all this spider porn is the international meeting and held in Denver. I may just wait here for it.

Dear Family, I did the best I could which is somehow further away